Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House.
One is from Chicago, another is from Tennessee, and the third is from Minnesota. All three go with a White House official to examine the fence.
The Minnesota contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil.
"Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me.
"The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me."
The Chicago contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the WhiteHouse official and whispers, "$2,700."
The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?"
The Chicago contractor whispers back, "$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence.
"Done!" replies the government official.
And that, my friends, is how the new stimulus plan will work.
GO GIANTS!!!
Sunday, May 10, 2009
How the Stimulus plan will work...
Posted by Groganman at 12:15 PM 1 comments
Quote of the Day...
In response to the whole KFC/Oprah coupon craze, and the fact that some KFC locations were not accepting the coupons:
Posted by Groganman at 2:05 AM 0 comments
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
Mmmmm... Deep Fried Girl Scouts....umm, cookies?
I'm back!!!
Posted by Groganman at 9:17 PM 0 comments
Saturday, March 14, 2009
Ok, so it's been a while...
Hi everyone (if anyone is left)...
2. "Uh-oh, I knew I shouldn't put my lips on that."
3. Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise.
4. "Hmmm, I've never seen that color before."
5. "Damn, this water is cold."
6. Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantaloupe into the toilet bowl from a high place and sigh relaxingly.
7. "Now how did that get there?"
8. "Hummus. Reminds me of hummus."
9. Fill up a large flask with Mountain Dew. Squirt it erratically under the stall walls of your neighbors while yelling,"Whoa! Easy boy!!"
10. " Interesting....more sinkers than floaters"
11. Using a small squeeze tube, spread peanut butter on a wad of toilet paper and drop under the stall wall of your neighbor. Then say, "Whoops, could you kick that back over here, please?"
12. "C'mon Mr. Happy! Don't fall asleep on me!!"
13. "Boy, that sure looks like a maggot"
14. "Damn, I knew that drain hole was a little too small. Now what am I gonna do?"
15. Play a well-known drum cadence over and over again on your butt cheeks.
16. Before you unroll toilet paper, conspicuously lay down your "Cross-Dressers Anonymous"newsletter on the floor visible to the adjacent stall.
17. Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall and adjust it so you can see your neighbor and say, "Peek-a-boo!"
18. Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sing "Born Free."
Posted by Groganman at 3:57 PM 0 comments
Sunday, March 1, 2009
Mmmm.... Econo Lodge! Well, slept
Mmmm.... Econo Lodge!
Well, slept here in lovely Richmond, VA. All I know is that there were hookers galore here. Yay hos!
Posted by Groganman at 6:51 AM 0 comments
Saturday, February 28, 2009
Big move! Well, we are
Big move!
Well, we are already halfway to our destination of Greenville, SC.
So far so good and hope the rain goes away.
Posted by Groganman at 7:27 PM 0 comments
Monday, February 23, 2009
Ooops, My Bad
Hey all,
2. If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, the calories in the candy bar are canceled out by the diet soda.
3. When you eat with someone else, calories don't count if you do not eat more than they do.
4. Food used for medicinal purposes NEVER counts, such as hot chocolate ,brandy, toast and Sara Lee Cheesecake.
5. If you fatten up everyone else around you, then you look thinner.
6. Movie related foods do not have additional calories because they are part of the entertainment package and not part of one's personal fuel. Examples: Milk Duds, Buttered Popcorn, Junior Mints, Red Hots and TootsieRolls.
7. Cookie pieces contain no calories. The process of breaking causes calorie leakage.
8. Things licked off knives and spoons have no calories if you are in the process of preparing something.
9. Foods that have the same color have the same number of calories. Examples are: Spinach & Pistachio Ice Cream; Mushrooms and Mashed Potatoes.
10. Chocolate is a universal color and may be substituted for any other food color.
11. Anything consumed while standing has no calories. This is due to gravity and the density of the caloric mass.
12. Anything consumed from someone else's plate has no calories since the calories rightfully belong to the other person and will cling to his/her plate. (We all know how calories like to cling!)
REMEMBER: STRESSED SPELLED BACKWARDS IS DESSERTS.
Posted by Groganman at 9:55 AM 0 comments
Monday, February 16, 2009
St. Christopher
Posted by Groganman at 10:43 PM 0 comments
A Man's First Car...
Hello all!
Posted by Groganman at 8:20 AM 0 comments
Thursday, February 12, 2009
A Funny Ha Ha...
Ok, I've seen this one before, so you probably have anyway, but it's been awhile, and it's funny enough to earn a re-visit:
A lesson on how consultants can make a difference in an organization.
Last week, we took some friends to a new restaurant, 'Steve's Place,' and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket.
It seemed a little strange. When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I observed that he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket.
Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets. When the waiter came back to serve our soup I inquired, 'Why the spoon?'
'Well, 'he explained, 'the restaurant's owner hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all of our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil.. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour.
If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift.'
As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he replaced it with his spare. 'I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now.' I was impressed.
I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly.
Looking around, I saw that all of the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So, before he walked off, I asked the waiter, 'Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?'
'Oh, certainly!' Then he lowered his voice. 'Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also learned that we can save time in the restroom.
By tying this string to the tip of our you-know-what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39%.
I asked quietly, 'After you get it out, how do you put it back?'
'Well,' he whispered, 'I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon.'
Posted by Groganman at 6:26 PM 3 comments
If anyone is interested....
I'm starting a 3 sport fantasy league with my buddy, The Future David Garcia.
Posted by Groganman at 6:03 PM 0 comments
Thursday, February 5, 2009
New York Sucks!
So, I realize that it's been awhile since I've posted... part of that is just laziness on my part, but I've also been out of town.
Posted by Groganman at 8:16 PM 0 comments
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
Deep Thought...
Farts are jazz to assholes...
Posted by Groganman at 8:38 PM 0 comments
Sunday, January 25, 2009
Things you would never know without the movies...
- During all police investigations, it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.
- When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.
- If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St. Patrick's Day parade- at any time of year.
- All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets which reach up to the armpit level on a woman but only to the waist level on the man lying beside her.
- The Chief of Police will almost always suspend his star detective - or give him 48 hours to finish the job.
- All grocery bags contain at least one stick of French Bread.
- It's easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is someone to talk you down.
- The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place - no one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building undetected.
- Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned to a partner who is their polar opposite.
- The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.
- All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they are going to go off.
- If you need to reload your gun, you will always have more ammunition, even if you haven't been carrying any before now.
- You are very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.
- Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language - a German accent will do.
- If your town is threatened by an imminent natural disaster or killer beast, the mayor's first concern will be the tourist trade or his forthcoming art exhibition.
- A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
- When paying for a taxi, don't look at your wallet as you take out a bill; just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.
- Kitchens don't have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night, you should open the fridge door and use that light instead.
- If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.
- Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family every morning even though their husband and children never have time to eat it.
- Cars that crash will almost always burst into flames.
- All telephone numbers in America begin with the digits 555.
- A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of RFK stadium.
- Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.
- Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.
- It is not necessary to say hello or goodbye when beginning or ending phone conversations.
- Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.
- It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting.
- A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
- It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will patiently attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.
- When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, they will never suffer a concussion or brain damage.
- No-one ever involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock.
- Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba diving.
- You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.
- Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds - unless it's the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.
- Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at the precise moment that it is aired.
Posted by Groganman at 12:47 PM 0 comments
Sunday, January 18, 2009
See? It could be worse....
A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed nicely made up and everything neat and tidy.
Then he saw an envelope propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, "Dad". With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands:
Dear Dad,
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriendbecause I wanted to avoid a scene with you and Mom.
I've been finding real passion with Joan and she is so nice. I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercings, tattoos, her tight motorcycle clothes and because she is so much older than I am but it's not only the passion, Dad, she's pregnant.
Joan says that we are going to be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood, enough for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.
Joan has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it and trading it with the other people in the commune for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.
In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Joan can get better; she sure deserves it!
Don't worry Dad, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your grandchildren.
Your son, Chad
P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the report card that's in my desk drawer.
I love you! Call when it is safe for me to come home!
Posted by Groganman at 6:57 PM 1 comments
Friday, January 16, 2009
This is pretty cool...
So I found this drifting across the surface of the web... not only is it quite inventive, but it involves one of the greatest video game themes ever created...
I give you: Acappella Zelda!!!
Posted by Groganman at 5:22 PM 0 comments
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
Damn Lazy People!
Ok, first, I will be the first to admit that I am a lazy person....
I take the escalator or elevator instead of the stairs, I don't work out, I've trained my son to bring me my soda and snacks, and I get out of breath lifting the TV remote (Hey, that thing is heavy!!!)
However, I cannot stand lazy people who inflict their laziness on others!
Today, I was taking my son home after cooking class, (training him to cook for me too), and living in NYC, we had to take the subway home. Now, this involves the use of 3 elevators to get from the street level to the train platform. In this case, my using the elevator is not laziness, it was from necessity. My son had fallen asleep in the stroller, and I was not lugging 50 lbs of child and stroller up and down all those stairs...
I've noticed that there are certain people in NYC who don't care about anything but themselves. Today, at all 3 elevators, I had to wait and let it go down and then back up. Why? Because there was a pile of stupid, fat, lazy people who wouldn't step off the elevator to let someone with a legit need for it to get on. At the 2nd elevator, I wasn't the only left standing there, there was someone in a wheelchair...
I mean seriously... I saw healthy people in their 20's in there, I saw fat 300 lbs teenagers in there (yes, they may need the elevator, but maybe, just maybe, if they took the stairs, they wouldn't be so fat... that sack of Dunkin' Donuts ain't helping either), basically, people who were more than capable of walking down 1 flight of stairs but couldn't be bothered...
So I've taken to telling my son, in a very loud voice that we have to wait for the next elevator because some people are just selfish and lazy. Do I expect to get punched out? Maybe, but the lawsuit will heal those wounds.... :)
Fucking lazy people!
Posted by Groganman at 5:46 PM 0 comments
Monday, January 12, 2009
So Long, Farwell... Don't ever come back!
The video speaks for itself....
Posted by Groganman at 5:36 PM 0 comments
Normally I would avoid Cuteness..
Posted by Groganman at 12:47 PM 0 comments
Saturday, January 10, 2009
Word of the Day
fastidious \fa-STID-ee-uhs\, adjective:
hard to please; extremely refined or critical
c 1440, "full of pride," from Latin fastidiosus "disdainful, squeamish, exacting," from fastidium "loathing," most likely from fastu-taidiom, a compound of fastus "contempt, arrogance" and tædium "aversion, disgust." The meaning "squeamish, over-nice" emerged in England by 1612.
Posted by Groganman at 7:45 PM 0 comments
Oh Skittles, What Have You Done?
I was in the store the other day when I came over all peckish and sorts... I needed a snack, and while I wanted something full of chocolatey goodness, I couldn't get excited by the standard fare of candy bars and M&M's...
Then the Skittles caught my eye. Chocolate Skittles! I had seen them before, but never tried them. I decided now was the time to go adventuring...
Oooops.
If you haven't seen them, "Chocolate" Skittles offer the following flavors:
S'mores
Chocolate Caramel
Chocolate Pudding
Brownie Batter
and...
Vanilla (?!?)
I won't go into details of each one... mainly because none of them tasted remotely like what they were supposed to, and the only one that tasted anything like chocolate was the Vanilla!!!
There seemed to be somewhat of a weird fruity undertone to the whole experience, which makes sense given that the only flavors that Skittles has known until now have been fruit based. So needless to say, if you've got a hunkering for a taste of chocolate, please, do yourself a favor, and stick with what you know...
Go get some M&M's!
Posted by Groganman at 2:35 PM 0 comments
Friday, January 9, 2009
This is my life....
Right now my 2 year old son is running around the kitchen with no pants on, and wearing his momma's high heeled leather boots...
Ahhh, to be a father...
Posted by Groganman at 1:26 PM 0 comments
Jeff Goldblum has been drinking....
Posted by Groganman at 1:00 PM 0 comments
Labels: apple, conan, drinking., jeff goldblum
Thursday, January 8, 2009
Don't drop the soap!!!
So I ran across this article on the web, and I have to say, I love judges who deviate from the norm and actually try to scare the shit out defendants...
Basically, a judge down in Australia was trying to get a drag racing loving kid to stop speeding.... some of the gems he offered as wisdom to this young man:
"You'll find big, ugly, hairy strong men (in jail) who've got faces only a mother could love that will pay a lot of attention to you -- and your anatomy,"
Posted by Groganman at 9:09 PM 0 comments
The Mets should charge Bor-ass admission into Citi.
The Mets brain-trust met with Uber-agent Scott Boras yesterday, apparently to talk about "all of his clients"... Derek Lowe, Oliver Perez, and yes, even Manny Ramirez....
Think about it; with A-Rod alone, he's put together 2 $200 million plus contracts. Assuming a pure 10%, that's $40 mil right there. I'm sure it's not as simple as that, but still.... he's not hurting for cash...
Mr. Boras (I keep wanting to call him Borat) has developed a technique, if you will, of letting teams make an offer, and then making them sit there while he waits to see what else comes up. He pulls this especially when he gets an offer he doesn't like. You see, he and Derek Lowe somehow think that as a starting pitcher, he is now worth a 5-6 year long deal in the area of $90-100 mil. That's Barry Zito money... and it would be a Barry Zito type of deal... take a decent, not great, but decent pitcher, get him all the money in the world, and sit back and watch that player not give a shit about his job anymore. Just look at what happened with Barry Zito.
Just because he is the best of what's left doesn't make him worth the money that Boras is trying to sucker teams into offering...
Manny? The Mets have enough issues keeping focused. I love Manny. He definitely entertains. But you'll have Manny being Manny in NY, so you know he's gonna feel like he has to give you the "Superstar, Super-sized" version of Manny, while the Mets are being the Mets, which means they will be torturing their fans over the course of the season (especially in September, but we will not speak of that now). Put those 2 things together, and a giant sinkhole will open up beneath the new "Shea" stadium (I will never call it "Citi" Field) He is a head case diva that the Mets can't afford if they are serious.
Please, Manny, Mr. Boras, I beg of you.... go talk to the Phillies....
Posted by Groganman at 8:34 AM 0 comments
Tuesday, January 6, 2009
Word of the Day
beleaguer \bi-LEE-ger\, verb:
1. to surround with troops; besiege
2. to surround or beset by
1589, from Dutch belegeren "to besiege," from be- "around" + legeren "to camp."
Posted by Groganman at 8:37 AM 0 comments
Saturday, January 3, 2009
A funny for you....
A man was driving down the road one rainy day when his car suddenly broke down in front of a small monastery. To escape the rain he walked up to the monastery and knocked on the door.
The head monk answers the door and says "Ah, hello. How may I help you?"
"Um, hello." the man replies, "My car broke down and I was wondering if you had a phone or something for me to call for help."
"Well," the head monk says, "We do not have any phones here, however, we can send one of our monks to the city and get you help. In the meantime, you are allowed to stay here in the monastery."
The man thanked the head monk and went inside. The other monks graciously accepted him as one of their own. They fed him, proivded him with a bath, and gave him his own little bed. Then, later that night, the man heard a noise. A sound unlike anything he had ever heard before. He stayed up all night, tossing and turning, trying to think of what it could be.
The next morning, he walked up to the head monk and said "Hello, I was wondering if I could ask you a question..."
"Yes," the head monk said, "what is it you would like to know?"
"well, you see," the man said, "Yesterday I heard a strange noise... and I was wondering if you knew what it was..."
"Oh, I'm sorry," the head monk said in reply "I can not tell you for you are not a monk."
"Well, then how do I become a monk?" The man said, desperate to find out what the beautiful noise was.
"There is a test you must take." the head monk answered, "You must go all around the world and count all the blades of grass, and all the grains of sand, then come back here."
The man spent many years traveling the world, seeking out the answer to the monks test of faith, endurance, and bravery. The yearning to find out the noise pushing him forward.
Finally, ten years later, the man returned to the monastery. The head monk greeted him, and led him to a small room, filled with other monks. "Now," the head monk said, "How many blades of grass, and grains of sand are there?"
The man replied "By design, the world is in a state of perpetual change. Only God knows what you ask. All a man can know is himself, and only then if he is honest and reflective and willing to strip away self deception."
The monks shouted with glee. They congratulated him, they gave him gifts, and then the head monk handed him a small golden key.
"Take this." he said, "There is a small golden door on the other side of the monastery... This is the key to that door..."
The man went and unlocked the door. Behind it was a silver door, with a silver key in it. Behind that door was a ruby door, and behind that, a diamond door. The man stepped through many doors. Through platinum, sapphire, iron, steel, and finally, he came to a plain, wooden door, with a plain wooden key.
He turned the key, and upon opening the door, he heard the noise again... "How beautiful..." he thought to himself. He then thrust the door open and saw what it was that had made the noise. He falls to his knees in awe of what it was that had produced the amazing, seductive sound...
....
....
....
....
....
....
....
....
....
....
... But, of course, I can not tell you what it was for you are not a monk.
Posted by Groganman at 3:52 PM 0 comments