Sunday, May 10, 2009

How the Stimulus plan will work...

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House.

One is from Chicago, another is from Tennessee, and the third is from Minnesota. All three go with a White House official to examine the fence.

The Minnesota contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil.

"Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me.

"The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

The Chicago contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the WhiteHouse official and whispers, "$2,700."

The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?"

The Chicago contractor whispers back, "$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence.

"Done!" replies the government official.

And that, my friends, is how the new stimulus plan will work.

Quote of the Day...

In response to the whole KFC/Oprah coupon craze, and the fact that some KFC locations were not accepting the coupons:

"I'm a big girl," Shannon Edwards told CNN affiliate WBAL-TV in Baltimore, Maryland, on Thursday after she was turned away from a KFC. "I like to eat. So I'm kind of disappointed I have to go to McDonald's now."

I have no words....

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Mmmmm... Deep Fried Girl Scouts....umm, cookies?

I'm back!!!

At least until I get so busy I can't post again... Sorry y'all...

So here I am, a newly transplanted NY'er living now in the deep(ish) South... I've heard all the horror stories about the trailer parks, and the trash that lives there, the rednecks, the hicks and those folks who will try to deep fry anything, including frying nothing but more fat...

So I assumed that these were all stories, or at least that most were, and that it couldn't be that bad down here, which it isn't. It's lovely here, and the people are just about as friendly as can be (God, I'm starting to sound like them already). 

However, to every stereotype there is a kernel of truth...

In my short time here, I've met and talked with the trailer trash, the hicks, the rednecks, and so on. They do exist... oh lardy do they exist! But this so far is my favorite encounter...

It was girl scout cookie time here in Greenville, and they were out in force, covering both entrances to the local Wal-Mart, in front of the Bi-Lo's, the Home Depots, anywhere there was going to be a decent amount of foot traffic... they were out there for about a week, and then, *POOF!* They just disappeared. Oh well... buh bye tasty cookies, see ya next year.

2 nights after the vanishing act, I'm coming out of the Wal-Mart when this woman pulls her car up next to me and rolls down her window. So I lean down, and in the car I see what had to be 450 lbs of sweaty, meaty, multiple fat rolls all spilling over the center console so I couldn't see the stick shift of woman. She asked me (in a most friendly manner) if any of the girl scouts were set up inside the store. I replied that I hadn't seen any, and that they probably weren't allowed to sell inside the store itself. She thanked me, and rolled up her window. 

Now I hadn't started walking because I figured that she was about to pull away. What happened next scared the hell out of me, and then sent me running to laugh my ass off in private.

Upon learning that the banishment of her beloved cookies was total and complete, this woman let out a mighty bellow of "FUCK!!!" and starts slamming her hands against the steering wheel while chanting at the top of her voice "damn, damn, damn, damn, damn..." 

That was too much for me and I had to get out of there. So, this, I felt I had to share, and I hope to bring you more soon!

Y'all come back now, ya hear?

Saturday, March 14, 2009

Ok, so it's been a while...

Hi everyone (if anyone is left)...

So I know it's been awhile since I posted, but I've been busy with the big move and getting all settled here in South Carolina. I already have some great stories, and I'll try to get back to a more regular posting schedule. 

In the meantime, I give you this (slightly gross, but somehting in here will bring a chuckle):

"Ways to annoy your bathroom neighbor"

1. Stick your palm open under the stall wall and ask your neighbor, "May I borrow a highlighter?"

2. "Uh-oh, I knew I shouldn't put my lips on that."

3. Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise.

4. "Hmmm, I've never seen that color before."

5. "Damn, this water is cold."

6. Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantaloupe into the toilet bowl from a high place and sigh relaxingly.

7. "Now how did that get there?"

8. "Hummus. Reminds me of hummus."

9. Fill up a large flask with Mountain Dew. Squirt it erratically under the stall walls of your neighbors while yelling,"Whoa! Easy boy!!"

10. " Interesting....more sinkers than floaters"

11. Using a small squeeze tube, spread peanut butter on a wad of toilet paper and drop under the stall wall of your neighbor. Then say, "Whoops, could you kick that back over here, please?"

12. "C'mon Mr. Happy! Don't fall asleep on me!!"

13. "Boy, that sure looks like a maggot"

14. "Damn, I knew that drain hole was a little too small. Now what am I gonna do?"

15. Play a well-known drum cadence over and over again on your butt cheeks.

16. Before you unroll toilet paper, conspicuously lay down your "Cross-Dressers Anonymous"newsletter on the floor visible to the adjacent stall.

17. Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall and adjust it so you can see your neighbor and say, "Peek-a-boo!"

18. Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sing "Born Free."

Sunday, March 1, 2009

Mmmm.... Econo Lodge! Well, slept

Mmmm.... Econo Lodge!

Well, slept here in lovely Richmond, VA. All I know is that there were hookers galore here. Yay hos!

Saturday, February 28, 2009

Big move! Well, we are

Big move!
Well, we are already halfway to our destination of Greenville, SC.
So far so good and hope the rain goes away.

Monday, February 23, 2009

Ooops, My Bad

Hey all,

So I'm writing to apologize for not writing. I'm in the middle of packing up for our big move down South, and things are just insane right now... 3 days to go!

So, with my apologies, hope this brings a smile to you, and hopefully a little chuckle...

1. If you eat something and no one sees you eat it, it has no calories.

2. If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, the calories in the candy bar are canceled out by the diet soda.

3. When you eat with someone else, calories don't count if you do not eat more than they do.

4. Food used for medicinal purposes NEVER counts, such as hot chocolate ,brandy, toast and Sara Lee Cheesecake.

5. If you fatten up everyone else around you, then you look thinner.

6. Movie related foods do not have additional calories because they are part of the entertainment package and not part of one's personal fuel. Examples: Milk Duds, Buttered Popcorn, Junior Mints, Red Hots and TootsieRolls.

7. Cookie pieces contain no calories. The process of breaking causes calorie leakage.

8. Things licked off knives and spoons have no calories if you are in the process of preparing something.

9. Foods that have the same color have the same number of calories. Examples are: Spinach & Pistachio Ice Cream; Mushrooms and Mashed Potatoes.

10. Chocolate is a universal color and may be substituted for any other food color.

11. Anything consumed while standing has no calories. This is due to gravity and the density of the caloric mass.

12. Anything consumed from someone else's plate has no calories since the calories rightfully belong to the other person and will cling to his/her plate. (We all know how calories like to cling!)


Monday, February 16, 2009

St. Christopher

Ok, time for me to weigh in on the whole Chris Brown vs. Rihanna thing....

I DON"T CARE!!! Whatever... enough... should this be covered by the media? Yes, but not to the degree it has been... Don't you think there's more than enough going on right now that we need to talk about than these 2 idiots?

Look, I'm not getting into who did what and who started it or any of that... all I'm saying is that when you have a 19 year boy who can rent a Lamborghini and has a private security team following him... white, black, or purple with green polka-dots and some yellow trim, you're gonna have trouble...

In the meantime, please checkout the article below by one of my new favorite bloggers, April Winchell...

St. Christopher

A Man's First Car...

Hello all!

So big news here... I bought my first car Saturday!!!!

It's a beautiful silver '07 Prius, and so far I've put on about 140 miles. Everything they say about the Prius is true...

In those 140 miles, my fuel consumption has been... wait for it...

56.8 Miles Per Gallon!!!!!

I mean seriously?!? Even I wasn't expecting that!!! Oh, this is gonna be fun!

Thursday, February 12, 2009

A Funny Ha Ha...

Ok, I've seen this one before, so you probably have anyway, but it's been awhile, and it's funny enough to earn a re-visit:


A lesson on how consultants can make a difference in an organization.

   Last week, we took some friends to a new restaurant, 'Steve's Place,' and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket.

It seemed a little strange. When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I observed that he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket.

Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets. When the waiter came back to serve our soup I inquired, 'Why the spoon?'

'Well, 'he explained, 'the restaurant's owner hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all of our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently  dropped utensil.. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour.

If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift.'

As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he replaced it with his spare. 'I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now.' I was impressed.

I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly.

Looking around, I saw that all of the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So, before he walked off, I asked the waiter, 'Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?'

'Oh, certainly!' Then he lowered his voice. 'Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also learned that we can save time in the restroom.

By tying this string to the tip of our you-know-what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39%.

I asked quietly, 'After you get it out, how do you put it back?'

'Well,' he whispered, 'I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon.'