Groganman's Ramblings

How the Stimulus plan will work...

2009-05-10T12:15:00.000-04:00

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House.

One is from Chicago, another is from Tennessee, and the third is from Minnesota. All three go with a White House official to examine the fence.

The Minnesota contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil.

"Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me.

"The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

The Chicago contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the WhiteHouse official and whispers, "$2,700."

The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?"

The Chicago contractor whispers back, "$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence.

"Done!" replies the government official.

And that, my friends, is how the new stimulus plan will work.

Quote of the Day...

2009-05-10T02:05:00.002-04:00

In response to the whole KFC/Oprah coupon craze, and the fact that some KFC locations were not accepting the coupons:

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"I'm a big girl," Shannon Edwards told CNN affiliate WBAL-TV in Baltimore, Maryland, on Thursday after she was turned away from a KFC. "I like to eat. So I'm kind of disappointed I have to go to McDonald's now."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I have no words....

Mmmmm... Deep Fried Girl Scouts....umm, cookies?

2009-03-24T21:17:00.003-04:00

I'm back!!!

At least until I get so busy I can't post again... Sorry y'all...

So here I am, a newly transplanted NY'er living now in the deep(ish) South... I've heard all the horror stories about the trailer parks, and the trash that lives there, the rednecks, the hicks and those folks who will try to deep fry anything, including frying nothing but more fat...

So I assumed that these were all stories, or at least that most were, and that it couldn't be that bad down here, which it isn't. It's lovely here, and the people are just about as friendly as can be (God, I'm starting to sound like them already).

However, to every stereotype there is a kernel of truth...

In my short time here, I've met and talked with the trailer trash, the hicks, the rednecks, and so on. They do exist... oh lardy do they exist! But this so far is my favorite encounter...

It was girl scout cookie time here in Greenville, and they were out in force, covering both entrances to the local Wal-Mart, in front of the Bi-Lo's, the Home Depots, anywhere there was going to be a decent amount of foot traffic... they were out there for about a week, and then, *POOF!* They just disappeared. Oh well... buh bye tasty cookies, see ya next year.

2 nights after the vanishing act, I'm coming out of the Wal-Mart when this woman pulls her car up next to me and rolls down her window. So I lean down, and in the car I see what had to be 450 lbs of sweaty, meaty, multiple fat rolls all spilling over the center console so I couldn't see the stick shift of woman. She asked me (in a most friendly manner) if any of the girl scouts were set up inside the store. I replied that I hadn't seen any, and that they probably weren't allowed to sell inside the store itself. She thanked me, and rolled up her window.

Now I hadn't started walking because I figured that she was about to pull away. What happened next scared the hell out of me, and then sent me running to laugh my ass off in private.

Upon learning that the banishment of her beloved cookies was total and complete, this woman let out a mighty bellow of "FUCK!!!" and starts slamming her hands against the steering wheel while chanting at the top of her voice "damn, damn, damn, damn, damn..."

That was too much for me and I had to get out of there. So, this, I felt I had to share, and I hope to bring you more soon!

Y'all come back now, ya hear?

Ok, so it's been a while...

2009-03-14T15:57:00.002-04:00

Hi everyone (if anyone is left)...

So I know it's been awhile since I posted, but I've been busy with the big move and getting all settled here in South Carolina. I already have some great stories, and I'll try to get back to a more regular posting schedule.

In the meantime, I give you this (slightly gross, but somehting in here will bring a chuckle):

"Ways to annoy your bathroom neighbor"

1. Stick your palm open under the stall wall and ask your neighbor, "May I borrow a highlighter?"

2. "Uh-oh, I knew I shouldn't put my lips on that."

3. Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise.

4. "Hmmm, I've never seen that color before."

5. "Damn, this water is cold."

6. Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantaloupe into the toilet bowl from a high place and sigh relaxingly.

7. "Now how did that get there?"

8. "Hummus. Reminds me of hummus."

9. Fill up a large flask with Mountain Dew. Squirt it erratically under the stall walls of your neighbors while yelling,"Whoa! Easy boy!!"

10. " Interesting....more sinkers than floaters"

11. Using a small squeeze tube, spread peanut butter on a wad of toilet paper and drop under the stall wall of your neighbor. Then say, "Whoops, could you kick that back over here, please?"

12. "C'mon Mr. Happy! Don't fall asleep on me!!"

13. "Boy, that sure looks like a maggot"

14. "Damn, I knew that drain hole was a little too small. Now what am I gonna do?"

15. Play a well-known drum cadence over and over again on your butt cheeks.

16. Before you unroll toilet paper, conspicuously lay down your "Cross-Dressers Anonymous"newsletter on the floor visible to the adjacent stall.

17. Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall and adjust it so you can see your neighbor and say, "Peek-a-boo!"

18. Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sing "Born Free."

Mmmm.... Econo Lodge! Well, slept

2009-03-01T06:51:00.001-05:00

Mmmm.... Econo Lodge!

Well, slept here in lovely Richmond, VA. All I know is that there were hookers galore here. Yay hos!

Big move! Well, we are

2009-02-28T19:27:00.001-05:00

Big move!
Well, we are already halfway to our destination of Greenville, SC.
So far so good and hope the rain goes away.

Ooops, My Bad

2009-02-23T09:55:00.002-05:00

Hey all,

So I'm writing to apologize for not writing. I'm in the middle of packing up for our big move down South, and things are just insane right now... 3 days to go!

So, with my apologies, hope this brings a smile to you, and hopefully a little chuckle...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

1. If you eat something and no one sees you eat it, it has no calories.

2. If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, the calories in the candy bar are canceled out by the diet soda.

3. When you eat with someone else, calories don't count if you do not eat more than they do.

4. Food used for medicinal purposes NEVER counts, such as hot chocolate ,brandy, toast and Sara Lee Cheesecake.

5. If you fatten up everyone else around you, then you look thinner.

6. Movie related foods do not have additional calories because they are part of the entertainment package and not part of one's personal fuel. Examples: Milk Duds, Buttered Popcorn, Junior Mints, Red Hots and TootsieRolls.

7. Cookie pieces contain no calories. The process of breaking causes calorie leakage.

8. Things licked off knives and spoons have no calories if you are in the process of preparing something.

9. Foods that have the same color have the same number of calories. Examples are: Spinach & Pistachio Ice Cream; Mushrooms and Mashed Potatoes.

10. Chocolate is a universal color and may be substituted for any other food color.

11. Anything consumed while standing has no calories. This is due to gravity and the density of the caloric mass.

12. Anything consumed from someone else's plate has no calories since the calories rightfully belong to the other person and will cling to his/her plate. (We all know how calories like to cling!)

REMEMBER: STRESSED SPELLED BACKWARDS IS DESSERTS.

St. Christopher

2009-02-16T22:43:00.002-05:00

Ok, time for me to weigh in on the whole Chris Brown vs. Rihanna thing....

I DON"T CARE!!! Whatever... enough... should this be covered by the media? Yes, but not to the degree it has been... Don't you think there's more than enough going on right now that we need to talk about than these 2 idiots?

Look, I'm not getting into who did what and who started it or any of that... all I'm saying is that when you have a 19 year boy who can rent a Lamborghini and has a private security team following him... white, black, or purple with green polka-dots and some yellow trim, you're gonna have trouble...

In the meantime, please checkout the article below by one of my new favorite bloggers, April Winchell...

St. Christopher

A Man's First Car...

2009-02-16T08:20:00.002-05:00

Hello all!

So big news here... I bought my first car Saturday!!!!

It's a beautiful silver '07 Prius, and so far I've put on about 140 miles. Everything they say about the Prius is true...

In those 140 miles, my fuel consumption has been... wait for it...

56.8 Miles Per Gallon!!!!!

I mean seriously?!? Even I wasn't expecting that!!! Oh, this is gonna be fun!

A Funny Ha Ha...

2009-02-12T18:26:00.002-05:00

Ok, I've seen this one before, so you probably have anyway, but it's been awhile, and it's funny enough to earn a re-visit:

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A lesson on how consultants can make a difference in an organization.

Last week, we took some friends to a new restaurant, 'Steve's Place,' and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket.

It seemed a little strange. When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I observed that he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket.

Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets. When the waiter came back to serve our soup I inquired, 'Why the spoon?'

'Well, 'he explained, 'the restaurant's owner hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all of our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil.. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour.

If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift.'

As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he replaced it with his spare. 'I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now.' I was impressed.

I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly.

Looking around, I saw that all of the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So, before he walked off, I asked the waiter, 'Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?'

'Oh, certainly!' Then he lowered his voice. 'Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also learned that we can save time in the restroom.

By tying this string to the tip of our you-know-what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39%.

I asked quietly, 'After you get it out, how do you put it back?'

'Well,' he whispered, 'I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon.'

If anyone is interested....

2009-02-12T18:03:00.002-05:00

I'm starting a 3 sport fantasy league with my buddy, The Future David Garcia.

It will include Baseball, Football, and Basketball, and will be a keeper league. If you'd like to join, please shoot me an email, and I'll get back to you.

New York Sucks!

2009-02-05T20:16:00.003-05:00

So, I realize that it's been awhile since I've posted... part of that is just laziness on my part, but I've also been out of town.

I took a little trip down to the Greenville area of South Carolina. Wow is it beautiful down there... and the people are ridiculously friendly. So I spent a few days converting myself from a rude NY'er who was used to taking the subway or walking to get wherever to a nice, friendly person who had to drive everywhere.

I can't stress how nice it is down there. The transformation took me about 4 hours. You can't help but be nice to people down there. It's so nice, that I signed the papers on an apartment, and will be moving with my family there in a about 3 weeks.

First of all... it's really cheap to live down there. Given the economy right now, that's a very good thing. Secondly, again, the nice-ness of everyone.

So anyway, I returned home to New York via Newark Airport.... still infused with that southern hospitality, I came off the plane saying goodnight to people, and whatever, just being a nice person, lest I allow NY to come back and devour what glimmer of a soul I had found down there.

Too late...

As I got off the plane, I was somewhat thirsty, so I stopped at a water fountain, and then stopped to tie my shoes, which I had loosened during the flight (trust me, this is all relevant).

Those 2 simple actions took me no longer than 60-70 seconds combined. I then walk to the Airtrain (A monorail that circles the airport, and hooks up with parking lots and the rail line into NY). As I came into the terminal, I see that I just missed one by about 10 seconds... Crap. But, no matter, I'm happy, and there will always be another train. In 4 minutes according to the friendly glow of the status monitor. So I wait my 4 minutes and get on the next train in the 1st car.

*Side Note: These trains are computer controlled and don't have human drivers. So when you get in the 1st car, you have a huge window that looks like the cockpit to a fighter jet...*

Now in this 1st car is a classic central casting version of "The Powerful Businessman". Black suit, red toned tie, $1000 winter overcoat, $500 briefcase, and a watch that looks like It should cost more than what I'm paying for my new car (that's a another story, coming soon).

He's on his cell phone, and since we're alone in the car, I can't help but hear him yapping about how so and so called him and was "Shaking in his boots" thinking that they were about to get laid off, and then this other guy said the same thing, and so on... he went through about 7 guys who were terrified of their future, and this douchebag is laughing about it because he knows that he's safe and secure.

So, as I listen to this guy, and marvel at his douchebaggery, we pull into the Rail Link station. He gets off his phone, and is looking out the window. Since we're in the front car, I can see that there is a train to NY already in the station, and that there is no way that I will make it in time. So I kind of laugh to myself (at which point he glances at me with a funny look on his face), and then I say out loud, "See? Stop to get a drink of water, and tie your damn shoes, and you miss an airtrain, which means I now missed this train to NY."

I look over at this guy, and he is suddenly pressed into the corner of the car, with his bag clutched to his chest, looking at me like I just told him that I wanted to repeatedly violate him anally and deposit my alien spawn into him.... if it weren't so sad, it'd be funny. Aw hell, screw it.. it was funny as hell!

He managed to croak out an "Excuse me?" In a tone that simultaneously conveyed fear that I was actually talking to him and contempt that I, a member of the "peasant" class, had dared try to engage him in conversation. It was only 2 words, but the fact that he got those 2 messages across was quite impressive.

So I smiled, and repeated myself, and he looked out the window to see the NY bound train leaving, and he just sort of grunted an acknowledgement. At that moment the car doors opened, and he bolted, and I mean Carl Lewis bolted out of there, and went flying down the steps to the train platform... where he was of course waiting for the train that would take him back to his million dollar home in the burbs of NJ.

Ahhh... welcome back to NY... that whole encounter just sucked about 80% of the good feelings I had at that point... and I still had NJ transit, Penn Station, and the NYC subway laying ahead of me...

I can't wait to get out of here.

Deep Thought...

2009-01-27T20:38:00.001-05:00

Farts are jazz to assholes...

Contemplate that why don'cha?

Things you would never know without the movies...

2009-01-25T12:47:00.000-05:00

- During all police investigations, it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.

- When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.

- If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St. Patrick's Day parade- at any time of year.

- All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets which reach up to the armpit level on a woman but only to the waist level on the man lying beside her.

- The Chief of Police will almost always suspend his star detective - or give him 48 hours to finish the job.

- All grocery bags contain at least one stick of French Bread.

- It's easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is someone to talk you down.

- The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place - no one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building undetected.

- Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned to a partner who is their polar opposite.

- The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.

- All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they are going to go off.

- If you need to reload your gun, you will always have more ammunition, even if you haven't been carrying any before now.

- You are very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.

- Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language - a German accent will do.

- If your town is threatened by an imminent natural disaster or killer beast, the mayor's first concern will be the tourist trade or his forthcoming art exhibition.

- A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.

- When paying for a taxi, don't look at your wallet as you take out a bill; just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.

- Kitchens don't have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night, you should open the fridge door and use that light instead.

- If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.

- Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family every morning even though their husband and children never have time to eat it.

- Cars that crash will almost always burst into flames.

- All telephone numbers in America begin with the digits 555.

- A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of RFK stadium.

- Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.

- Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.

- It is not necessary to say hello or goodbye when beginning or ending phone conversations.

- Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.

- It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting.

- A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.

- It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will patiently attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.

- When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, they will never suffer a concussion or brain damage.

- No-one ever involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock.

- Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba diving.

- You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.

- Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds - unless it's the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.

- Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at the precise moment that it is aired.

See? It could be worse....

2009-01-18T18:57:00.000-05:00

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed nicely made up and everything neat and tidy.

Then he saw an envelope propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, "Dad". With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands:

Dear Dad,

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriendbecause I wanted to avoid a scene with you and Mom.

I've been finding real passion with Joan and she is so nice. I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercings, tattoos, her tight motorcycle clothes and because she is so much older than I am but it's not only the passion, Dad, she's pregnant.

Joan says that we are going to be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood, enough for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.

Joan has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it and trading it with the other people in the commune for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.

In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Joan can get better; she sure deserves it!

Don't worry Dad, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your grandchildren.

Your son, Chad

P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the report card that's in my desk drawer.

I love you! Call when it is safe for me to come home!

This is pretty cool...

2009-01-16T17:22:00.002-05:00

So I found this drifting across the surface of the web... not only is it quite inventive, but it involves one of the greatest video game themes ever created...

I give you: Acappella Zelda!!!

Damn Lazy People!

2009-01-14T17:46:00.002-05:00

Ok, first, I will be the first to admit that I am a lazy person....

I take the escalator or elevator instead of the stairs, I don't work out, I've trained my son to bring me my soda and snacks, and I get out of breath lifting the TV remote (Hey, that thing is heavy!!!)

However, I cannot stand lazy people who inflict their laziness on others!

Today, I was taking my son home after cooking class, (training him to cook for me too), and living in NYC, we had to take the subway home. Now, this involves the use of 3 elevators to get from the street level to the train platform. In this case, my using the elevator is not laziness, it was from necessity. My son had fallen asleep in the stroller, and I was not lugging 50 lbs of child and stroller up and down all those stairs...

I've noticed that there are certain people in NYC who don't care about anything but themselves. Today, at all 3 elevators, I had to wait and let it go down and then back up. Why? Because there was a pile of stupid, fat, lazy people who wouldn't step off the elevator to let someone with a legit need for it to get on. At the 2nd elevator, I wasn't the only left standing there, there was someone in a wheelchair...

I mean seriously... I saw healthy people in their 20's in there, I saw fat 300 lbs teenagers in there (yes, they may need the elevator, but maybe, just maybe, if they took the stairs, they wouldn't be so fat... that sack of Dunkin' Donuts ain't helping either), basically, people who were more than capable of walking down 1 flight of stairs but couldn't be bothered...

So I've taken to telling my son, in a very loud voice that we have to wait for the next elevator because some people are just selfish and lazy. Do I expect to get punched out? Maybe, but the lawsuit will heal those wounds.... :)

Fucking lazy people!

So Long, Farwell... Don't ever come back!

2009-01-12T17:36:00.001-05:00

The video speaks for itself....

Normally I would avoid Cuteness..

2009-01-12T12:47:00.001-05:00

But this is too funny....

The only thing that could make it funnier is if the Momma Panda soiled herself right after it happened...

Word of the Day

2009-01-10T19:45:00.000-05:00

fastidious \fa-STID-ee-uhs\, adjective:

hard to please; extremely refined or critical

c 1440, "full of pride," from Latin fastidiosus "disdainful, squeamish, exacting," from fastidium "loathing," most likely from fastu-taidiom, a compound of fastus "contempt, arrogance" and tædium "aversion, disgust." The meaning "squeamish, over-nice" emerged in England by 1612.

Oh Skittles, What Have You Done?

2009-01-10T14:35:00.002-05:00

I was in the store the other day when I came over all peckish and sorts... I needed a snack, and while I wanted something full of chocolatey goodness, I couldn't get excited by the standard fare of candy bars and M&M's...

Then the Skittles caught my eye. Chocolate Skittles! I had seen them before, but never tried them. I decided now was the time to go adventuring...

Oooops.

If you haven't seen them, "Chocolate" Skittles offer the following flavors:

S'mores
Chocolate Caramel
Chocolate Pudding
Brownie Batter
and...
Vanilla (?!?)

I won't go into details of each one... mainly because none of them tasted remotely like what they were supposed to, and the only one that tasted anything like chocolate was the Vanilla!!!

There seemed to be somewhat of a weird fruity undertone to the whole experience, which makes sense given that the only flavors that Skittles has known until now have been fruit based. So needless to say, if you've got a hunkering for a taste of chocolate, please, do yourself a favor, and stick with what you know...

Go get some M&M's!

This is my life....

2009-01-09T13:26:00.002-05:00

Right now my 2 year old son is running around the kitchen with no pants on, and wearing his momma's high heeled leather boots...

Ahhh, to be a father...

Jeff Goldblum has been drinking....

2009-01-09T13:00:00.003-05:00

Not that you can really tell the difference, given the tone and cadence of his regular voice. However, some enterprising folks took a bunch of the old Apple I-Mac (God, remember those?) commercials that he did, and proceeded to slow down his vocals until he was slurring all over the place...

I think my personal favorite is the Peach Pie interview from the Conan show... too funny!

Here's one of the videos, and you can click here to watch "Drunk Jeff Goldblum"!

Don't drop the soap!!!

2009-01-08T21:09:00.002-05:00

So I ran across this article on the web, and I have to say, I love judges who deviate from the norm and actually try to scare the shit out defendants...

Basically, a judge down in Australia was trying to get a drag racing loving kid to stop speeding.... some of the gems he offered as wisdom to this young man:

"You'll find big, ugly, hairy strong men (in jail) who've got faces only a mother could love that will pay a lot of attention to you -- and your anatomy,"

"shower with the gorillas in the mist down at Long Bay jail"

You can read the entire article HERE.

The Mets should charge Bor-ass admission into Citi.

2009-01-08T08:34:00.015-05:00

The Mets brain-trust met with Uber-agent Scott Boras yesterday, apparently to talk about "all of his clients"... Derek Lowe, Oliver Perez, and yes, even Manny Ramirez....

I can't stand this guy Boras... he is almost single-handedly responsible for why it's damn near impossible to take your family to a ballgame without taking out a 2nd mortgage on your house. That being said, he certainly does well by his clients, so I guess that makes him good at his job. Yay for him and his 10% cut... no one ever talks about it, but his personal worth must be well north of $100 Mil...

Think about it; with A-Rod alone, he's put together 2 $200 million plus contracts. Assuming a pure 10%, that's $40 mil right there. I'm sure it's not as simple as that, but still.... he's not hurting for cash...

Mr. Boras (I keep wanting to call him Borat) has developed a technique, if you will, of letting teams make an offer, and then making them sit there while he waits to see what else comes up. He pulls this especially when he gets an offer he doesn't like. You see, he and Derek Lowe somehow think that as a starting pitcher, he is now worth a 5-6 year long deal in the area of $90-100 mil. That's Barry Zito money... and it would be a Barry Zito type of deal... take a decent, not great, but decent pitcher, get him all the money in the world, and sit back and watch that player not give a shit about his job anymore. Just look at what happened with Barry Zito.

The Mets offered a 3 year deal for abut $36 mil. Which is a perfect offer, one that Lowe should be pouncing on.

At best, Lowe is a "decent" pitcher that might get them 15 wins. More likely scenario is that it is less than 15. If you look at the numbers, they tell a tale of, well, a 35 year old pitcher. Over the past 5 years, he's tallied a 68-60 record, with about (rough calculation) a 3.70 ERA, a K/9 of about 5.50-6. He's only won more than 15 games once in the past 5 years, and that was with a lofty total of 16 wins.

Just because he is the best of what's left doesn't make him worth the money that Boras is trying to sucker teams into offering...

As for the others? Oliver Perez should show a little appreciation that the Mets coached him through his challenges getting past the 6th inning without imploding. I guess he can go elsewhere, pay Bor-ass his cut, fall apart (again), and then end his career rich but worthless. I for one cannot wait to see him leave...

Manny? The Mets have enough issues keeping focused. I love Manny. He definitely entertains. But you'll have Manny being Manny in NY, so you know he's gonna feel like he has to give you the "Superstar, Super-sized" version of Manny, while the Mets are being the Mets, which means they will be torturing their fans over the course of the season (especially in September, but we will not speak of that now). Put those 2 things together, and a giant sinkhole will open up beneath the new "Shea" stadium (I will never call it "Citi" Field) He is a head case diva that the Mets can't afford if they are serious.

Please, Manny, Mr. Boras, I beg of you.... go talk to the Phillies....

Word of the Day

2009-01-06T08:37:00.001-05:00

beleaguer \bi-LEE-ger\, verb:

1. to surround with troops; besiege
2. to surround or beset by

1589, from Dutch belegeren "to besiege," from be- "around" + legeren "to camp."

Dictionary.com Entry and Pronunciation for beleaguer

A funny for you....

2009-01-03T15:52:00.001-05:00

A man was driving down the road one rainy day when his car suddenly broke down in front of a small monastery. To escape the rain he walked up to the monastery and knocked on the door.

The head monk answers the door and says "Ah, hello. How may I help you?"

"Um, hello." the man replies, "My car broke down and I was wondering if you had a phone or something for me to call for help."

"Well," the head monk says, "We do not have any phones here, however, we can send one of our monks to the city and get you help. In the meantime, you are allowed to stay here in the monastery."

The man thanked the head monk and went inside. The other monks graciously accepted him as one of their own. They fed him, proivded him with a bath, and gave him his own little bed. Then, later that night, the man heard a noise. A sound unlike anything he had ever heard before. He stayed up all night, tossing and turning, trying to think of what it could be.

The next morning, he walked up to the head monk and said "Hello, I was wondering if I could ask you a question..."

"Yes," the head monk said, "what is it you would like to know?"

"well, you see," the man said, "Yesterday I heard a strange noise... and I was wondering if you knew what it was..."

"Oh, I'm sorry," the head monk said in reply "I can not tell you for you are not a monk."

"Well, then how do I become a monk?" The man said, desperate to find out what the beautiful noise was.

"There is a test you must take." the head monk answered, "You must go all around the world and count all the blades of grass, and all the grains of sand, then come back here."

The man spent many years traveling the world, seeking out the answer to the monks test of faith, endurance, and bravery. The yearning to find out the noise pushing him forward.

Finally, ten years later, the man returned to the monastery. The head monk greeted him, and led him to a small room, filled with other monks. "Now," the head monk said, "How many blades of grass, and grains of sand are there?"

The man replied "By design, the world is in a state of perpetual change. Only God knows what you ask. All a man can know is himself, and only then if he is honest and reflective and willing to strip away self deception."

The monks shouted with glee. They congratulated him, they gave him gifts, and then the head monk handed him a small golden key.

"Take this." he said, "There is a small golden door on the other side of the monastery... This is the key to that door..."

The man went and unlocked the door. Behind it was a silver door, with a silver key in it. Behind that door was a ruby door, and behind that, a diamond door. The man stepped through many doors. Through platinum, sapphire, iron, steel, and finally, he came to a plain, wooden door, with a plain wooden key.

He turned the key, and upon opening the door, he heard the noise again... "How beautiful..." he thought to himself. He then thrust the door open and saw what it was that had made the noise. He falls to his knees in awe of what it was that had produced the amazing, seductive sound...

....

....

....

....

....

....

....

....

....

....

... But, of course, I can not tell you what it was for you are not a monk.

Pretty in Pink

2009-01-03T03:10:00.005-05:00

I would like to introduce you all to the ultimate women's tool....

In one fell swoop, it is now possible for a woman to kick her man out of the house, hang the damn shutters herself, and then, when she breaks a nail doing it, she can just swap out her phillips head bit for her manicure bit!!!

And, later that night, since she kicked the man out of the house, you just know that there's a "special friend" bit that comes with this item.... (optional, $19.99)

3.6v Screwdriver Kit With Manicure Tool, Pink

Special Country

2009-01-03T03:01:00.003-05:00

Many believed this day would never come, but in a few short days, an African American man will move from his private residence into a much larger and infinitely more expensive one owned not by him but by the taxpayers.

A vast lawn, a perimeter fence and many well trained security specialists will insulate him from the rest of us but the mere fact that this man will be residing in this house should make us all stop and count our blessings - because it proves that we live in a nation where anything is possible.

Today, I thank the Lord above that I am an American and that I live in a nation where wrongs are righted, where justice matters and where truly anything is possible.

I already miss 2008...

2009-01-02T12:59:00.002-05:00

Already nostalgic for the best 2008 had to offer?

Then come find the list of all lists... seriously, this thing must have about 500 different "Best/Worst/Whatever" lists covering not only 2008, but they have an archive going all the way back to 2001...

Check it HERE

What's in a name?

2009-01-02T12:44:00.003-05:00

Ever wondered what would happen if you looked at your name from the side? Well now you can, and it may reveal a deeper "side" of yourself than you thought!

Sideview Generator

The author also has a neat "turn your name into a weapon" generator...

Weapon Generator

I'm a bazooka, attalk lvl. 20! So don't screw with me! What did you come out as?

Breaking News!

2009-01-02T12:29:00.002-05:00

GOP members scurry out of Washington D.C. like cockroaches escaping a house that's about to be fumigated!!!

Story HERE

Tong Hua

2008-12-30T16:53:00.003-05:00

Ok, I ran across this song by accident, and just loved it... I'm trying to find an insturmental version, because it sounds better that way, but it's nice to have the story behind the song. At least, you have to kind of write your own story since the whole thing is in Chinese... but the video is really well done, and tells the story all by itself...

Fantasy Update

2008-12-30T09:33:00.002-05:00

So last week was a decent week, but also expected...

Puck You Up won against the deadbeat team with a 9-1 score, losing only on penalty minutes, because, apparently, my team is a bunch of pansies when it comes to hitting the other guy...

Beasts of the East took a bit of a hit, finishing 3-5-1... this is what I meant when I said it was a good team, but not a great team... the final numbers were insanely close, I just couldn't flip those last 2 scoring catagories....

Current Season Standings:

Puck You Up 65-45-10 (T-3rd Place) 18 Pts back {roughly 9 games}

Beasts of the East 40-39-2 (6th Place) 12 games back...

This week will be interesting, as Puck You Up is facing the team that it's tied with for 3rd place... I'll need a strong showing there to take sole possesion...

Beasts of the East are most likely facing another losing week, as I'm currently up against the #2 team.... but we'll see.

Word Of The Day

2008-12-30T09:30:00.001-05:00

sacrilege \SAK-ruh-lij\, noun:

an intentional injury to anything held sacred; disrespectful treatment of something sacred

c 1300, from Old French sacrilege, from Latin sacrilegium and sacrilegus "one who steals sacred things," from sacer "sacred" + legere "take, pick up." Transferred sense of "profanation of anything held sacred" is attested from 1390.

You can see my own personal experience with sacrilege here --->

I love Bill Simmons!!!

2008-12-29T10:17:00.002-05:00

Good Morning!

We're starting today off with a quote from a recent article by one of my favortie sports writers, Bill Simmons. This wasn't so much an article as it was a mailbag, but here it is:

"Without Mark Teixeira, the Angels look vulnerable offensively -- especially when you remember Vlad Guerrero now walks like Greg Oden doing an impersonation of Fred Sanford pretending he's Lieutenant Dan."

I mean, that's just classic... you can view the entire mailbag for more gems here.

Ahhh... the Drunk Dial...

2008-12-28T19:14:00.003-05:00

I have a friend... this particular friend was very excited to be watching the UFC 92 PPV event at home with his bro and some friends last night. He knew and planned ahead of time his getting completely and utterly drunk. Which meant that I knew I had a drunk dial coming...

Sure enough, at 1:03am this morning, my phone rang out with the strident tones of Numa Numa (the Japanese Cover) that I set as his ringtone (That's a whole other story...)

When I answered, I was greeted with singing... I have no idea about what, because he had apparently succeeded in his goal of getting twisted. At some point he started singing/telling me that whatever he drank, it was brown and hairy, and came in tiny little toy glasses known as shots.

He then proceeced to forget who he was talking to, and settled on calling me Bill (My name is not Bill). After I let him run with that for a while, he then forgot what his own name was, having a debate (mostly with himself) whether his current name was his old name or new name (He's currently in the middle of legally changing his name).

So basically, this went on for about 45 minutes, while I tried my best not to pee myself... and then the dirty talk started... it was about a 10 minute rant of boobs, boobies, and so on, including my personal favorite: "Mommy Funbags"

I found out later today that this particular dumb bastard had mixed shots of Hennessy with about 5 or 6 Budweisers, which to him is the greatest beer in the world (I'm working on that).

He called me about noon... feeling the pain, and also having absolutely no recollection of the call. The first thing he said to me today was: "Did I call you last night? I did? Oh noooo.... what did I say?"

Ya gotta love the drunk dial. :)

Fantasy Update....

2008-12-28T11:33:00.003-05:00

So, it's been a somewhat slow week given that most teams had 2 days of for the xmas break, but I do have good news...

Hockey: Puck You Up is now assured of a 10-0 win, as the other team will not be able to meet the minimum # of games as required for his goalies... This should move me up in the standings somewhat, but we'll have to see what the other league results are...

Basketball: Right now it's a tight 4-5. Once again, it looks like this could go either way, but will end 5-4 for someone. I'm starting to sense a pattern here, and that is: while I have a good team, it's not a great team, and I'm pretty much going to be fighting for a playoff spot by season's end. The league I'm in is pretty smart, so all the good players are constantly being taken... basketball is not really my best sport, so those who follow it are going to have a huge advantage on me... I pretty much run my team from a statistical standpoint, following the numbers, and not the bigger picture.

Welcome Back!

2008-12-28T11:30:00.002-05:00

I have returned!

After a brief Holiday break, I'm back at the keyboard and ready to spread the goodness...

I'll have some Christmas goodies for you in a bit, but I thought I'd start things off easy with today's Word Of The Day!

ramble \RAM-buhl\, verb, noun:

1. to wander about
2. a walk for pleasure without predetermined destination
3. to talk or write about one thing and then another without useful connection

c 1443, unknown origin, perhaps frequentative of romen "to walk, go" of via romblen "to ramble." The vowel change was probably influenced by Middle Dutch rammelen, a derivative of rammen "used of the night wanderings of the amorous cat."

Merry Christmas to All...

2008-12-25T08:00:00.002-05:00

I thawt I taw a puddy tat...

2008-12-25T02:07:00.001-05:00

What is wrong with this country?!?!?

2008-12-24T20:09:00.003-05:00

So I was doing a little last minute Xmas shopping, and stopped off in a big chain drugstore to pick something up.

Now, mind you, it's still Christmas Eve... it's not even Christmas yet. So can someone please explaing to me why the hell I was surrounded by big giant red heart shaped candy boxes?!?!

This is still 2008 people... at least have the decency to wait until after the New Year before moving on to the next holiday!!!!

God I hate this country.

Winter Wonderland

2008-12-24T16:06:00.004-05:00

I just ran across this posting by my friend Steve over at "The Sneeze". While I do have his blog listed over there on the right, I felt this post deserved special mention...

The Sneeze Presents - 21 Performers, 2 Minutes, 1 Christmas Saved

WOTD

2008-12-24T07:02:00.000-05:00

narcissism \NAHR-suh-siz-em\, noun:

excessive love or admiration for oneself; in psychoanalysis, gratification manifested in admiration and love of oneself

Who, fabulous, incredible me? Naaaaahhhh..... :)

I warned you...

2008-12-24T06:12:00.003-05:00

When I started this blog, I warned you all that I had a dark and twisted side...

I now bring you: Creepy Mouth Face!!!!

You can thank me later...

What About Bob?

2008-12-23T18:26:00.003-05:00

My 2 year son has a friend. I've never seen this friend, nor has my wife. You see, this friend, who my son has named "Bob" seems to be imaginary in nature (at least I hope so...).

We've asked our son about Bob, and at times Bob is a doggy, an adult, a child, a ball, or a pillow. Bob seems to take many shapes and forms throughout the day. However, Bob took on a new form today. Bob became food.

My son has a cooking fetish. He loves to cook. He's already graduated from little toy pots and pans to my old 6 and 14 inch saute pans... and hoo boy, he's got the wrist flick down and everything. So today he was cooking up a storm on the couch (his "kitchen", and don't dare try to sit there when he's cooking). I asked him what he was cooking, and he pointed at his toy food but didn't say anything. Then he scooped out his pan, put the contents into a dish, and put the dish into his toy microwave oven (that thing is great, 4 food settings, light, and working turntable).

Once again, I asked him what he was making... this time, he thought about it, pointed at the microwave, and told me to wait a moment. When the microwave dinged, he took out the dish, held it up for me to see, and proudly proclaimed: "BOB!!"

I don't know what Bob looks like, but he sure tastes good when cooked...

Fantasy Update

2008-12-23T16:58:00.003-05:00

Hey all...

This'll be quick, mainly because it's covering Monday, and there's not much analysis to be done, but also because I'm facing 2 really bad teams...

Hockey: Puck You Up jumped out to an easy 7-1 lead, and seeing as how the deadbeat opponent left 4 guys on his bench, it's easy to see why... 10-0 here I come!

Basketball: The Beasts of the East so far have a strong 6-1 lead, but it's waaaay to early to tell... A special thank you to Chris Bosh for his 31 points!

Christmas has been Cancelled!!!

2008-12-23T11:27:00.002-05:00

Word of the Day...

2008-12-23T09:34:00.001-05:00

macrobiotic \mak-roh-bahy-OT-ik\, adjective:

of or having to do with macrobiotics, a dietary system derived from Zen Buddhism and purported to prolong life

Now this seemed less than useful today, so it actually made me go and look up the definition of macrobiotics...

Your bonus WOTD:

macrobiotics: a vegan diet of seeds, grains, and organically grown fruit and vegetables, said to prolong life and balance the body's systems

Fantasy World

2008-12-22T10:39:00.002-05:00

Ok, so here's the final results of last weeks matchups:

Hockey:

Last Weeks Final: 4-5-1

Standings: 56-44-10 (6th Place)

As I thought, it was a tough back and forth battle all week... my opponent pulled it out at the last minute with a shutout win by one of his goalies (who I had dropped from my team earlier in the week), otherwise it would have been 4-4-2. Oh well, you can't win them all, and I've won more than I've lost, so yay me.

This coming week I'm pitted against one of the deadbeat owners in the league, so I expect to be able to pull a strong 9-1 or 10-0 victory this week.

Basketball:

Last Weeks Final: 6-3-0

Standings: 37-34-1 (5th Place)

Last week I was up against one of the mid-range teams, and as a result of the victory, my team and his swapped places in the standings...

This week I have one of the weaker teams in the league, currently in 9th place. Considering his team consists of 2 rookies and 2 really old guys in Tim Duncan and Shaq, I'm not too worried, and should hopefully be able to pull a 7-2 or thereabouts...

This has been the daily Fantasy Update, and I'm still counting down the days to spring training....

Word of the Day...

2008-12-22T10:01:00.001-05:00

Here it is, today's word:

laggard \LAG-erd\, adjective, noun:

1. a person or thing that moves too slowly or falls behind
2. falling behind; slow

Trust me, as cold as it is outside, I won't be moving slowly at all today...

Funny Ha Ha...

2008-12-22T09:35:00.002-05:00

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It represents a candle', he said.

'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'

Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of woman's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'

The man replied, 'These are Carols.'

And So The Christmas Season Begins ......

GO GIANTS!!!

2008-12-22T09:24:00.003-05:00

So apparently the NY Giants have locked up a #1 seed and have home field advantage throughout the playoffs!

While their play the past couple of weeks has scared me, hopefully this OT comeback win will be just the boost they needed to get going to the end!

REPEAT baby! REPEAT!!!!!

Baby it's cold outside...

2008-12-22T09:16:00.002-05:00

Good Morning all!

It's currently a brisk 16 degrees here in Brooklyn, which is bad enough, but we also have steady 25 mph winds out of the West, which is resulting in a windchill of 9 degrees!

Holy crap it's cold out! I walked the dog this morning, and he gave me a look of such disgust and loathing as we stepped out that I started laughing...

Now, I'm sure if someone from N. Dakota (or S. Dakota for that matter) reads this, the first thing that will go through their mind is "Pansy". That may well be the case, but all I know is that it's frickin' cold out, and I want no part of it!

I hope you're nice and warm where ever you might be!

Yes, I realize how late it is....

2008-12-22T03:53:00.004-05:00

But I crashed out early tonight, got up, and then couldn't get back to sleep... *sigh*

Normally, I wouldn't do this, but this is one of my favorite online games of all time.... simple, and yet deceptively hard at the same time...

I hope you enjoy it as much as I do!

Play Games at AddictingGames

In the interests of full disclosure...

2008-12-22T03:12:00.006-05:00

Hey! This blog was nominated for "Best Blog about Stuff" and "Freakiest Blogger"!!!

Ok, so I was the one who nominated it, and yes, so far, I am my only vote...

But you know what? If you have the ability to vote for your own creation and don't, what does that say, eh?

But I am asking you to take a moment, follow the link to the right, and click to vote....

Thank you for your support (I miss Bartles and Jaymes).

Word of the day...

2008-12-22T02:11:00.005-05:00

There's nothing wrong with learning a new word, or maybe just learning something new about a word we use on a regular basis...

So, I will attempt to post a new word of the day as posted by dictionary.com every day, in an attempt to better myself (there's just so little left to do), and I'm bringing you along for the ride...

Today's word:

kibbutz \ki-BOOTS\, noun:
an Israeli communal settlement, especially a farm co-operative

Fantasy Update...

2008-12-21T18:04:00.002-05:00

So we're here again...

Taking a look at last night's action, my hockey team put together a decent night, nothing spectacular, and they are now down 5-4. My only hope is to outscore my opponent in goals, as that is the only scoring catagory that can flip (I'm down 7-8), which will result in a 5-4 win for me. Pretty much, it's gonna end the way I predicted.

On the court, the B-ball team had a decent night as well, and they are currently holding on for a 6-3 lead. The scary thing is that there are about 3 catagories that can flip to the other team, but it would have to be a miracle for that to happen, so I think I'm ok.

Stay tuned tomorrow for the week's review as well as the coming week's previews and predictions.

Ooops, my bad....

2008-12-21T12:08:00.003-05:00

So I was doing some poking around on my blog, when I noticed that there wasn't anyway to post a comment... I mean, the links were there, but they didn't do anything.

So I screwed around with my settings, and turned a couple of thing off that were on, and a couple of things on that were off, and *poof*! Comments are now enabled.

My apologies to anyone who had tried to leave a comment earlier, and please, I invite all who stumble across this page to leave a comment as well...

Fantasy Update...

2008-12-20T16:43:00.002-05:00

Hey all,

So here's today's update on my endeavours in the world of Fantasy Sports...

It was a slow night on the hockey front, with only a couple of players going, and not doing much in the process. I did however pick up a win by one of my goalies, only to have it offset by my other goalie giving up 5 goals... mah.

Current Matchup: Down 3-6

Basketball was a much different story. I had a full roster going, as did my opponent. Unfortunately, while his players showed up, mine were off examining the lint in their navels... I don't know what happened, but for Andrew Bynum to put up only 4 pts and 6 rebs in 28 mins is ridiculous. My guys did manage to get 3 double-doubles, but they weren't huge ones.

The matchup has tightened signifigantly, with my 8-1 lead now down to 6-3. This week will be decided tonight, as once again we both have full rosters going.

So far, overall, I've had an amazingly injury free year in all sports (once I drank away the memories of losing Tom Brady in not 1 but 2 teams!), and I can only hope that holds up.

A friend of mine and I are going to be starting a Tri-Sport Keeper League (Base, Foot, and Basket balls), so if you're interested, drop me a line!

Old Man Winter is Cranky

2008-12-20T12:52:00.002-05:00

As you all probably know by now, we here in the Northeast got hit by a pretty major winter storm, the first of the season...

I love the snow. I love when it's cold, and the snow is falling, and all the sounds around you are muted, and everything is white.

Yet, I hate when it snows here in NYC. Why? Everytime it snows... for 2-3 hours you get the above conditions. Then, invariably, it turns to rain by the end of the storm, and you're left with this nasty grey slop and slushy streets that overwhelm and clog the storm drain system, so you have to jump or wade through muck that is 4 inches deep.

This particular storm was worse than most. Not because of the amount we got, which was only about 3 inches, but as it turned to rain, temperatures also dropped into the low 20's overnight, so everything froze over hardcore... I'm glad I didn't have anywhere to drive last night.

So we're now in the thick of the frozen/slushy/grey slop mode, and there's more coming... I'll leave you with a picture out my back window during the "nice" part of the storm.

This ain't your Sesame Street anymore...

2008-12-19T12:00:00.002-05:00

I have a 2 year old son... his current addicitons include cooking, tourturing the dog, tourturing his parents, and Elmo; not neccessarily in that order.

So we have a DVR on our cable, and we record episodes of Sesame Street for when he needs an emergency Elmo fix.... and I've noticed a couple of somewhat odd lines and segments that they run...

Take this one for example:

Ernie. Ernie is the rockstar of Sesame Street, and while I'm not going to go into the whole Bert and Ernie thing, I will note that Ernie seems to be the free spirit, often appearing in various sketches in drag. True, they don't call the tranny Ernie's by his (her?) name, but come on, we all know it's Ernie.

So as he is wont to do, Ernie had broken out into song about something or other, I don't really remember what, because I was floored by this particular line in the beggining of the song:

"I can put my hands in my pocket and pretend I'm a rocket!"

Damn, Ernie.... I mean, I can't really judge you, since I've done that many a time, but still.... you're on Sesame Street dude, and the last thing I need is for my son to be running around telling people there's a rocket in his pocket... although to be honest, I would probably encourage that just for the comedy...

Then there's Telly, the lovable, excitable, triangle loving jester of Sesame Street... he is a constant source of amusement to me for some reason... I just enjoy the antics of Telly.

A little background on this one:

On this particular day, he and another character (Baby Bear if you must know), had borrowed a magical book from the fairy (and I do mean fairy... wings, magic wand, the works) that flits around the hood. Now this particular book made noises in relation to whatever the subject of the book was doing... in this case "Action Dog". Now, when action dog was about to ride a horse, you would hear the sound of a horse, you know, making horse sounds....

Next up was the motorcycle... and this is where Telly got me... they turned the page, and heard the motorcycle sounds. Baby Bear said "wow, what's that???" to which Telly responded:

"Oh! I know! It's a herd of lactose intolerant Antelope who just ate a wheel of cheese!"

I shit you not, that is an actual quote from the show...

Wow Telly, just wow. Now I know why I love you... you randomly come up with insane shit like that. But it's sure not the Sesame Street I grew up with...

My Fantasy World...

2008-12-19T10:40:00.002-05:00

Hey folks,

So, I am a fantasy sports fan... I do them all; baseball, football, basketball, hockey, soccer, golf, auto racing, salary caps, survival, tourney pick'ems.... you get the picture...

I consider mysef a decent player, although I do get overwhelmed at times and a team or two suffer as a result, which I try my hardest to avoid, because there's nothing I hate more than a manager who doesn't keep up with his team (unless I'm facing him that week, in which case I'll happily take the 10-0 blowout).

So every day, I'm going to post about the going-ons of my teams. I know you don't care, but deal. :)

Right now I have only 2 teams running, 1 basketball and 1 hockey. Guess which team goes with which sport?

Beasts of the East (6th place, 31-31-1)

Puck You Up (5th place, 52-39-9)

Yesterday was a slow b-ball day, with only 3 players seeing action, all in 1 game. However, powered along by the performance of Steve Blake and his double double, plus the fact that all 3 guys put up 15+ points, saw my team move ahead in the matchup this week 8-1. I expect that to change however... we'll see, I do have my full roster playing tonight, but my opponent and I are very evenly matched.

Hockey had a full slate running last night, and finally Pavel Datsyuk came through for me like I've been waiting for... 2G, 2A, and a +4. Unfortunately, that was offset somewhat by the performance of Marc Vlasic, who put up a lovely -4. Douchebag.

Again, my opponent and I are very well matched in the standings, and the matchup is currently 3-4, with 3 catagories tied. I expect this week to end 5-4 for one of us. It could go either way.

So that's today's fantasy update... I do have football teams, but they were knocked out of the playoffs already, so it's been a bad year on that front. I already can't wait for spring training to start!

Taxes Suck!

2008-12-18T19:35:00.002-05:00

Ok, I guess that didn't really need to be said...

However, here in the "great" state of NY where I reside, the Governor has released his version of next years tax increases. Among the gems:

An "iTunes" tax - Tax on digital music downloads

A "Sugared Drink" (aka Soda) Tax

He will now apply the state sales tax on all entertainment venues (movies, arenas, etc.)

Repeal the ban on taxing purchases of clothing items under $110...

New taxes on cable, phone, and internet services

It just goes on and on... if this keeps up, I'm going to have to start writing this blog from another state!

Future Dictator!

2008-12-17T18:24:00.003-05:00

I thought this one one of the funniest things I've seen in a while...

You will cheer me now!!

Sacrilege!!!

2008-12-17T16:45:00.006-05:00

So here's what happened:

Last night my wife and I were making homemade chocolates to give out to people for the holidays

(pause for the snarky snort that just issued from your head that says "Showoffs" when what you really meant was "Jeeze I wish I were that talented and thoughful")

We were using these plastic molds that gave form as well as life to our creations... it started getting late, and we had moved on to the most difficult ones of all, the large snowmen. These were the most difficult because we were trying something new, which was more than 1 color of chocolate on a piece... this one had 3 colors...

So, snowmen... you get the idea, big snowy-white dude, hat, buttons, and so on... this is what we ended up creating:

Crude perhaps, but we never claimed to know what the hell we were doing, this was an experiment all the way, which turned out pretty well, if I do say so myself.

So we did a couple of trays of these, and I got tired and bored of them, so I went to watch TV while the wifey kept going... then I hear: "Ooooo, I just got an idea..."

Don't misunderstand me, I love my wife, but when I hear those words come from her mouth, well, a chill goes down my spine... So I asked her what the idea was, and I got another chill inducing respons of "you'll see"...

Ladies and Gentlemen, I am about to share with you the creation my wife came up with... I realize I have not tagged this blog with the adult label, but please, for the love of, I ask you to make sure there are no children in the room....

I present to you: The Al Jolsen of snowmen!!!!!

Trust me, I have no idea what she was thinking either.... but it's just not right.... not right at all...

Awesome Blog! Go!

2008-12-16T16:03:00.004-05:00

I'm putting this out there... click on it of your own free will...

This is one of the political blogs I got hooked on during the recent election. Bob Cesca is funny as hell, and smart too... Yes, the blog tilts democratic, but when the Dems do something stupid, he doesn't automatically defend them to the death...

Bob Cesca's Goddamn Awesome Blog! Go!

Love Thy Brother

2008-12-16T14:39:00.002-05:00

Overheard on the street the other day:

A mother was walking with her two sons, one about 12, the other about 9-10. As they passed me, the Mother said:

"Jason, get away from your brother."

"Why Mom?"

"Because your brother is an ass, and I don't want you to catch stupid."

Oh dear god, I love Brooklyn!

God I'm Hot!

2008-12-16T14:24:00.002-05:00

Ok, I found this to be quite funny...

So I started reading a blog here called Fuck You, Penguin! I decided to become one of it's "followers", becuase quite honestly it's one of the funniest damn things I've ever read...

So I thought about it, and decided to add a pic to my profile... now, I enjoy being anonymous, especially out here on the web, so I chose a pic that I used once for one of my fantasy sports teams.

It's the photo that you can see now... anyway, I was messing around with the Blogger settings and clicked on the "View my profile" link... and discovered that I had already garnered the interest of 39 people. Now mind you, this was in the space of 15 minutes since I had posted that photo...

Seriously people?!? Does not the name Groganman give you the first clue? Or is it really just that you saw a hot chick and needed to get a closer look at her hard nipples? Are you really that hard up? I will be more than happy to provide you with the names of some really good free porn sites if you need... please, just let me know...

Inaugural Post

2008-12-16T14:03:00.002-05:00

Ok, so here goes nothing....

The biggest question of all is why blog? There are plenty of blogs out there where people actually have things to say, messages to get across, photos to share, and so on...

I don't. Not really. But, I wanted a place where I could share some random (and I warn you now, usually dark and/or twisted) thoughts, maybe some links to some cool websites (at least I think they are, so bite me), and whatever else tickles my taint....

So, enjoy it, comment on it, call me a douchebag if you wish, but look out (virtual) world....

Here Comes Groganman!!!