How the Stimulus plan will work...

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House.

One is from Chicago, another is from Tennessee, and the third is from Minnesota. All three go with a White House official to examine the fence.

The Minnesota contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil.

"Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me.

"The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

The Chicago contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the WhiteHouse official and whispers, "$2,700."

The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?"

The Chicago contractor whispers back, "$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence.

"Done!" replies the government official.

And that, my friends, is how the new stimulus plan will work.

Quote of the Day...

In response to the whole KFC/Oprah coupon craze, and the fact that some KFC locations were not accepting the coupons:

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"I'm a big girl," Shannon Edwards told CNN affiliate WBAL-TV in Baltimore, Maryland, on Thursday after she was turned away from a KFC. "I like to eat. So I'm kind of disappointed I have to go to McDonald's now."

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I have no words....

Mmmmm... Deep Fried Girl Scouts....umm, cookies?

I'm back!!!

At least until I get so busy I can't post again... Sorry y'all...

So here I am, a newly transplanted NY'er living now in the deep(ish) South... I've heard all the horror stories about the trailer parks, and the trash that lives there, the rednecks, the hicks and those folks who will try to deep fry anything, including frying nothing but more fat...

So I assumed that these were all stories, or at least that most were, and that it couldn't be that bad down here, which it isn't. It's lovely here, and the people are just about as friendly as can be (God, I'm starting to sound like them already). 

However, to every stereotype there is a kernel of truth...

In my short time here, I've met and talked with the trailer trash, the hicks, the rednecks, and so on. They do exist... oh lardy do they exist! But this so far is my favorite encounter...

It was girl scout cookie time here in Greenville, and they were out in force, covering both entrances to the local Wal-Mart, in front of the Bi-Lo's, the Home Depots, anywhere there was going to be a decent amount of foot traffic... they were out there for about a week, and then, *POOF!* They just disappeared. Oh well... buh bye tasty cookies, see ya next year.

2 nights after the vanishing act, I'm coming out of the Wal-Mart when this woman pulls her car up next to me and rolls down her window. So I lean down, and in the car I see what had to be 450 lbs of sweaty, meaty, multiple fat rolls all spilling over the center console so I couldn't see the stick shift of woman. She asked me (in a most friendly manner) if any of the girl scouts were set up inside the store. I replied that I hadn't seen any, and that they probably weren't allowed to sell inside the store itself. She thanked me, and rolled up her window. 

Now I hadn't started walking because I figured that she was about to pull away. What happened next scared the hell out of me, and then sent me running to laugh my ass off in private.

Upon learning that the banishment of her beloved cookies was total and complete, this woman let out a mighty bellow of "FUCK!!!" and starts slamming her hands against the steering wheel while chanting at the top of her voice "damn, damn, damn, damn, damn..." 

That was too much for me and I had to get out of there. So, this, I felt I had to share, and I hope to bring you more soon!

Y'all come back now, ya hear?

Ok, so it's been a while...

Hi everyone (if anyone is left)...

So I know it's been awhile since I posted, but I've been busy with the big move and getting all settled here in South Carolina. I already have some great stories, and I'll try to get back to a more regular posting schedule. 

In the meantime, I give you this (slightly gross, but somehting in here will bring a chuckle):

"Ways to annoy your bathroom neighbor"

1. Stick your palm open under the stall wall and ask your neighbor, "May I borrow a highlighter?"

2. "Uh-oh, I knew I shouldn't put my lips on that."

3. Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise.

4. "Hmmm, I've never seen that color before."

5. "Damn, this water is cold."

6. Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantaloupe into the toilet bowl from a high place and sigh relaxingly.

7. "Now how did that get there?"

8. "Hummus. Reminds me of hummus."

9. Fill up a large flask with Mountain Dew. Squirt it erratically under the stall walls of your neighbors while yelling,"Whoa! Easy boy!!"

10. " Interesting....more sinkers than floaters"

11. Using a small squeeze tube, spread peanut butter on a wad of toilet paper and drop under the stall wall of your neighbor. Then say, "Whoops, could you kick that back over here, please?"

12. "C'mon Mr. Happy! Don't fall asleep on me!!"

13. "Boy, that sure looks like a maggot"

14. "Damn, I knew that drain hole was a little too small. Now what am I gonna do?"

15. Play a well-known drum cadence over and over again on your butt cheeks.

16. Before you unroll toilet paper, conspicuously lay down your "Cross-Dressers Anonymous"newsletter on the floor visible to the adjacent stall.

17. Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall and adjust it so you can see your neighbor and say, "Peek-a-boo!"

18. Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sing "Born Free."

Mmmm.... Econo Lodge! Well, slept

Mmmm.... Econo Lodge!

Well, slept here in lovely Richmond, VA. All I know is that there were hookers galore here. Yay hos!

Big move! Well, we are

Big move!
Well, we are already halfway to our destination of Greenville, SC.
So far so good and hope the rain goes away.

Ooops, My Bad

Hey all,

So I'm writing to apologize for not writing. I'm in the middle of packing up for our big move down South, and things are just insane right now... 3 days to go!

So, with my apologies, hope this brings a smile to you, and hopefully a little chuckle...

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1. If you eat something and no one sees you eat it, it has no calories.

2. If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, the calories in the candy bar are canceled out by the diet soda.

3. When you eat with someone else, calories don't count if you do not eat more than they do.

4. Food used for medicinal purposes NEVER counts, such as hot chocolate ,brandy, toast and Sara Lee Cheesecake.

5. If you fatten up everyone else around you, then you look thinner.

6. Movie related foods do not have additional calories because they are part of the entertainment package and not part of one's personal fuel. Examples: Milk Duds, Buttered Popcorn, Junior Mints, Red Hots and TootsieRolls.

7. Cookie pieces contain no calories. The process of breaking causes calorie leakage.

8. Things licked off knives and spoons have no calories if you are in the process of preparing something.

9. Foods that have the same color have the same number of calories. Examples are: Spinach & Pistachio Ice Cream; Mushrooms and Mashed Potatoes.

10. Chocolate is a universal color and may be substituted for any other food color.

11. Anything consumed while standing has no calories. This is due to gravity and the density of the caloric mass.

12. Anything consumed from someone else's plate has no calories since the calories rightfully belong to the other person and will cling to his/her plate. (We all know how calories like to cling!)

REMEMBER: STRESSED SPELLED BACKWARDS IS DESSERTS.

St. Christopher

Ok, time for me to weigh in on the whole Chris Brown vs. Rihanna thing....

I DON"T CARE!!! Whatever... enough... should this be covered by the media? Yes, but not to the degree it has been... Don't you think there's more than enough going on right now that we need to talk about than these 2 idiots?

Look, I'm not getting into who did what and who started it or any of that... all I'm saying is that when you have a 19 year boy who can rent a Lamborghini and has a private security team following him... white, black, or purple with green polka-dots and some yellow trim, you're gonna have trouble...

In the meantime, please checkout the article below by one of my new favorite bloggers, April Winchell...

St. Christopher

A Man's First Car...

Hello all!

So big news here... I bought my first car Saturday!!!!

It's a beautiful silver '07 Prius, and so far I've put on about 140 miles. Everything they say about the Prius is true...

In those 140 miles, my fuel consumption has been... wait for it...

56.8 Miles Per Gallon!!!!!

I mean seriously?!? Even I wasn't expecting that!!! Oh, this is gonna be fun!

A Funny Ha Ha...

Ok, I've seen this one before, so you probably have anyway, but it's been awhile, and it's funny enough to earn a re-visit:

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A lesson on how consultants can make a difference in an organization.

   Last week, we took some friends to a new restaurant, 'Steve's Place,' and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket.

   It seemed a little strange. When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I observed that he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket.

   Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets. When the waiter came back to serve our soup I inquired, 'Why the spoon?'

   'Well, 'he explained, 'the restaurant's owner hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all of our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently  dropped utensil.. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour.

   If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift.'

   As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he replaced it with his spare. 'I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now.' I was impressed.

   I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly.

   Looking around, I saw that all of the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So, before he walked off, I asked the waiter, 'Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?'

   'Oh, certainly!' Then he lowered his voice. 'Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also learned that we can save time in the restroom.

   By tying this string to the tip of our you-know-what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39%.

   I asked quietly, 'After you get it out, how do you put it back?'

   'Well,' he whispered, 'I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon.'

If anyone is interested....

I'm starting a 3 sport fantasy league with my buddy, The Future David Garcia. 

It will include Baseball, Football, and Basketball, and will be a keeper league. If you'd like to join, please shoot me an email, and I'll get back to you.

New York Sucks!

So, I realize that it's been awhile since I've posted... part of that is just laziness on my part, but I've also been out of town. 

I took a little trip down to the Greenville area of South Carolina. Wow is it beautiful down there... and the people are ridiculously friendly. So I spent a few days converting myself from a rude NY'er who was used to taking the subway or walking to get wherever to a nice, friendly person who had to drive everywhere.

I can't stress how nice it is down there. The transformation took me about 4 hours. You can't help but be nice to people down there. It's so nice, that I signed the papers on an apartment, and will be moving with my family there in a about 3 weeks. 

First of all... it's really cheap to live down there. Given the economy right now, that's a very good thing. Secondly, again, the nice-ness of everyone.

So anyway, I returned home to New York via Newark Airport.... still infused with that southern hospitality, I came off the plane saying goodnight to people, and whatever, just being a nice person, lest I allow NY to come back and devour what glimmer of a soul I had found down there.

Too late...

As I got off the plane, I was somewhat thirsty, so I stopped at a water fountain, and then stopped to tie my shoes, which I had loosened during the flight (trust me, this is all relevant). 

Those 2 simple actions took me no longer than 60-70 seconds combined. I then walk to the Airtrain (A monorail that circles the airport, and hooks up with parking lots and the rail line into NY). As I came into the terminal, I see that I just missed one by about 10 seconds... Crap. But, no matter, I'm happy, and there will always be another train. In 4 minutes according to the friendly glow of the status monitor. So I wait my 4 minutes and get on the next train in the 1st car. 

*Side Note: These trains are computer controlled and don't have human drivers. So when you get in the 1st car, you have a huge window that looks like the cockpit to a fighter jet...*

Now in this 1st car is a classic central casting version of "The Powerful Businessman". Black suit, red toned tie, $1000 winter overcoat, $500 briefcase, and a watch that looks like It should cost more than what I'm paying for my new car (that's a another story, coming soon).

He's on his cell phone, and since we're alone in the car, I can't help but hear him yapping about how so and so called him and was "Shaking in his boots" thinking that they were about to get laid off, and then this other guy said the same thing, and so on... he went through about 7 guys who were terrified of their future, and this douchebag is laughing about it because he knows that he's safe and secure. 

So, as I listen to this guy, and marvel at his douchebaggery, we pull into the Rail Link station. He gets off his phone, and is looking out the window. Since we're in the front car, I can see that there is  a train to NY already in the station, and that there is no way that I will make it in time. So I kind of laugh to myself (at which point he glances at me with a funny look on his face), and then I say out loud, "See? Stop to get a drink of water, and tie your damn shoes, and you miss an airtrain, which means I now missed this train to NY."

I look over at this guy, and he is suddenly pressed into the corner of the car, with his bag clutched to his chest, looking at me like I just told him that I wanted to repeatedly violate him anally and deposit my alien spawn into him.... if it weren't so sad, it'd be funny. Aw hell, screw it.. it was funny as hell!

He managed to croak out an "Excuse me?" In a tone that simultaneously conveyed fear that I was actually talking to him and contempt that I, a member of the "peasant" class, had dared try to engage him in conversation. It was only 2 words, but the fact that he got those 2 messages across was quite impressive.

So I smiled, and repeated myself, and he looked out the window to see the NY bound train leaving, and he just sort of grunted an acknowledgement. At that moment the car doors opened, and he bolted, and I mean Carl Lewis bolted out of there, and went flying down the steps to the train platform... where he was of course waiting for the train that would take him back to his million dollar home in the burbs of NJ.

Ahhh... welcome back to NY... that whole encounter just sucked about 80% of the good feelings I had at that point... and I still had NJ transit, Penn Station, and the NYC subway laying ahead of me... 

I can't wait to get out of here.

Deep Thought...

Farts are jazz to assholes...

Contemplate that why don'cha? 

Things you would never know without the movies...

- During all police investigations, it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.

- When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.

- If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St. Patrick's Day parade- at any time of year.

- All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets which reach up to the armpit level on a woman but only to the waist level on the man lying beside her.

- The Chief of Police will almost always suspend his star detective - or give him 48 hours to finish the job.

- All grocery bags contain at least one stick of French Bread.

- It's easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is someone to talk you down.

- The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place - no one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building undetected.

- Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned to a partner who is their polar opposite.

- The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.

- All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they are going to go off.

- If you need to reload your gun, you will always have more ammunition, even if you haven't been carrying any before now.

- You are very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.

- Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language - a German accent will do.

- If your town is threatened by an imminent natural disaster or killer beast, the mayor's first concern will be the tourist trade or his forthcoming art exhibition.

- A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.

- When paying for a taxi, don't look at your wallet as you take out a bill; just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.

- Kitchens don't have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night, you should open the fridge door and use that light instead.

- If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.

- Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family every morning even though their husband and children never have time to eat it.

- Cars that crash will almost always burst into flames.

- All telephone numbers in America begin with the digits 555.

- A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of RFK stadium.

- Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.

- Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.

- It is not necessary to say hello or goodbye when beginning or ending phone conversations.

- Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.

- It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting.

- A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.

- It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will patiently attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.

- When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, they will never suffer a concussion or brain damage.

- No-one ever involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock.

- Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba diving.

- You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.

- Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds - unless it's the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.

- Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at the precise moment that it is aired.

See? It could be worse....

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed nicely made up and everything neat and tidy.

Then he saw an envelope propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, "Dad". With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands:

Dear Dad,

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriendbecause I wanted to avoid a scene with you and Mom.

I've been finding real passion with Joan and she is so nice. I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercings, tattoos, her tight motorcycle clothes and because she is so much older than I am but it's not only the passion, Dad, she's pregnant.

Joan says that we are going to be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood, enough for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.

Joan has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it and trading it with the other people in the commune for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.

In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Joan can get better; she sure deserves it!

Don't worry Dad, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your grandchildren.

Your son, Chad

P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the report card that's in my desk drawer.

I love you! Call when it is safe for me to come home!

This is pretty cool...

So I found this drifting across the surface of the web... not only is it quite inventive, but it involves one of the greatest video game themes ever created...

I give you: Acappella Zelda!!!

Damn Lazy People!

Ok, first, I will be the first to admit that I am a lazy person....

I take the escalator or elevator instead of the stairs, I don't work out, I've trained my son to bring me my soda and snacks, and I get out of breath lifting the TV remote (Hey, that thing is heavy!!!)

However, I cannot stand lazy people who inflict their laziness on others!

Today, I was taking my son home after cooking class, (training him to cook for me too), and living in NYC, we had to take the subway home. Now, this involves the use of 3 elevators to get from the street level to the train platform. In this case, my using the elevator is not laziness, it was from necessity. My son had fallen asleep in the stroller, and I was not lugging 50 lbs of child and stroller up and down all those stairs...

I've noticed that there are certain people in NYC who don't care about anything but themselves. Today, at all 3 elevators, I had to wait and let it go down and then back up. Why? Because there was a pile of stupid, fat, lazy people who wouldn't step off the elevator to let someone with a legit need for it to get on. At the 2nd elevator, I wasn't the only left standing there, there was someone in a wheelchair...

I mean seriously... I saw healthy people in their 20's in there, I saw fat 300 lbs teenagers in there (yes, they may need the elevator, but maybe, just maybe, if they took the stairs, they wouldn't be so fat... that sack of Dunkin' Donuts ain't helping either), basically, people who were more than capable of walking down 1 flight of stairs but couldn't be bothered...

So I've taken to telling my son, in a very loud voice that we have to wait for the next elevator because some people are just selfish and lazy. Do I expect to get punched out? Maybe, but the lawsuit will heal those wounds.... :)

Fucking lazy people!

So Long, Farwell... Don't ever come back!

The video speaks for itself....

Normally I would avoid Cuteness..

But this is too funny....

The only thing that could make it funnier is if the Momma Panda soiled herself right after it happened...

Word of the Day

fastidious \fa-STID-ee-uhs\, adjective:

hard to please; extremely refined or critical

c 1440, "full of pride," from Latin fastidiosus "disdainful, squeamish, exacting," from fastidium "loathing," most likely from fastu-taidiom, a compound of fastus "contempt, arrogance" and tædium "aversion, disgust." The meaning "squeamish, over-nice" emerged in England by 1612.