Deep Thought...

Farts are jazz to assholes...

Contemplate that why don'cha? 

Things you would never know without the movies...

- During all police investigations, it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.

- When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.

- If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St. Patrick's Day parade- at any time of year.

- All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets which reach up to the armpit level on a woman but only to the waist level on the man lying beside her.

- The Chief of Police will almost always suspend his star detective - or give him 48 hours to finish the job.

- All grocery bags contain at least one stick of French Bread.

- It's easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is someone to talk you down.

- The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place - no one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building undetected.

- Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned to a partner who is their polar opposite.

- The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.

- All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they are going to go off.

- If you need to reload your gun, you will always have more ammunition, even if you haven't been carrying any before now.

- You are very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.

- Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language - a German accent will do.

- If your town is threatened by an imminent natural disaster or killer beast, the mayor's first concern will be the tourist trade or his forthcoming art exhibition.

- A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.

- When paying for a taxi, don't look at your wallet as you take out a bill; just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.

- Kitchens don't have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night, you should open the fridge door and use that light instead.

- If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.

- Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family every morning even though their husband and children never have time to eat it.

- Cars that crash will almost always burst into flames.

- All telephone numbers in America begin with the digits 555.

- A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of RFK stadium.

- Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.

- Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.

- It is not necessary to say hello or goodbye when beginning or ending phone conversations.

- Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.

- It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting.

- A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.

- It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will patiently attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.

- When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, they will never suffer a concussion or brain damage.

- No-one ever involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock.

- Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba diving.

- You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.

- Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds - unless it's the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.

- Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at the precise moment that it is aired.

See? It could be worse....

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed nicely made up and everything neat and tidy.

Then he saw an envelope propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, "Dad". With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands:

Dear Dad,

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriendbecause I wanted to avoid a scene with you and Mom.

I've been finding real passion with Joan and she is so nice. I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercings, tattoos, her tight motorcycle clothes and because she is so much older than I am but it's not only the passion, Dad, she's pregnant.

Joan says that we are going to be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood, enough for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.

Joan has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it and trading it with the other people in the commune for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.

In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Joan can get better; she sure deserves it!

Don't worry Dad, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your grandchildren.

Your son, Chad

P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the report card that's in my desk drawer.

I love you! Call when it is safe for me to come home!

This is pretty cool...

So I found this drifting across the surface of the web... not only is it quite inventive, but it involves one of the greatest video game themes ever created...

I give you: Acappella Zelda!!!

Damn Lazy People!

Ok, first, I will be the first to admit that I am a lazy person....

I take the escalator or elevator instead of the stairs, I don't work out, I've trained my son to bring me my soda and snacks, and I get out of breath lifting the TV remote (Hey, that thing is heavy!!!)

However, I cannot stand lazy people who inflict their laziness on others!

Today, I was taking my son home after cooking class, (training him to cook for me too), and living in NYC, we had to take the subway home. Now, this involves the use of 3 elevators to get from the street level to the train platform. In this case, my using the elevator is not laziness, it was from necessity. My son had fallen asleep in the stroller, and I was not lugging 50 lbs of child and stroller up and down all those stairs...

I've noticed that there are certain people in NYC who don't care about anything but themselves. Today, at all 3 elevators, I had to wait and let it go down and then back up. Why? Because there was a pile of stupid, fat, lazy people who wouldn't step off the elevator to let someone with a legit need for it to get on. At the 2nd elevator, I wasn't the only left standing there, there was someone in a wheelchair...

I mean seriously... I saw healthy people in their 20's in there, I saw fat 300 lbs teenagers in there (yes, they may need the elevator, but maybe, just maybe, if they took the stairs, they wouldn't be so fat... that sack of Dunkin' Donuts ain't helping either), basically, people who were more than capable of walking down 1 flight of stairs but couldn't be bothered...

So I've taken to telling my son, in a very loud voice that we have to wait for the next elevator because some people are just selfish and lazy. Do I expect to get punched out? Maybe, but the lawsuit will heal those wounds.... :)

Fucking lazy people!

So Long, Farwell... Don't ever come back!

The video speaks for itself....

Normally I would avoid Cuteness..

But this is too funny....

The only thing that could make it funnier is if the Momma Panda soiled herself right after it happened...

Word of the Day

fastidious \fa-STID-ee-uhs\, adjective:

hard to please; extremely refined or critical

c 1440, "full of pride," from Latin fastidiosus "disdainful, squeamish, exacting," from fastidium "loathing," most likely from fastu-taidiom, a compound of fastus "contempt, arrogance" and tædium "aversion, disgust." The meaning "squeamish, over-nice" emerged in England by 1612.

Oh Skittles, What Have You Done?

I was in the store the other day when I came over all peckish and sorts... I needed a snack, and while I wanted something full of chocolatey goodness, I couldn't get excited by the standard fare of candy bars and M&M's...

Then the Skittles caught my eye. Chocolate Skittles! I had seen them before, but never tried them. I decided now was the time to go adventuring...

Oooops.

If you haven't seen them, "Chocolate" Skittles offer the following flavors:

S'mores
Chocolate Caramel
Chocolate Pudding
Brownie Batter
and...
Vanilla (?!?)

I won't go into details of each one... mainly because none of them tasted remotely like what they were supposed to, and the only one that tasted anything like chocolate was the Vanilla!!!

There seemed to be somewhat of a weird fruity undertone to the whole experience, which makes sense given that the only flavors that Skittles has known until now have been fruit based. So needless to say, if you've got a hunkering for a taste of chocolate, please, do yourself a favor, and stick with what you know...

Go get some M&M's!

This is my life....

Right now my 2 year old son is running around the kitchen with no pants on, and wearing his momma's high heeled leather boots...

Ahhh, to be a father...