Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Deep Thought...

Farts are jazz to assholes...

Contemplate that why don'cha? 

Sunday, January 25, 2009

Things you would never know without the movies...

- During all police investigations, it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.

- When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.

- If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St. Patrick's Day parade- at any time of year.

- All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets which reach up to the armpit level on a woman but only to the waist level on the man lying beside her.

- The Chief of Police will almost always suspend his star detective - or give him 48 hours to finish the job.

- All grocery bags contain at least one stick of French Bread.

- It's easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is someone to talk you down.

- The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place - no one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building undetected.

- Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned to a partner who is their polar opposite.

- The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.

- All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they are going to go off.

- If you need to reload your gun, you will always have more ammunition, even if you haven't been carrying any before now.

- You are very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.

- Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language - a German accent will do.

- If your town is threatened by an imminent natural disaster or killer beast, the mayor's first concern will be the tourist trade or his forthcoming art exhibition.

- A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.

- When paying for a taxi, don't look at your wallet as you take out a bill; just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.

- Kitchens don't have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night, you should open the fridge door and use that light instead.

- If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.

- Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family every morning even though their husband and children never have time to eat it.

- Cars that crash will almost always burst into flames.

- All telephone numbers in America begin with the digits 555.

- A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of RFK stadium.

- Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.

- Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.

- It is not necessary to say hello or goodbye when beginning or ending phone conversations.

- Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.

- It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting.

- A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.

- It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will patiently attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.

- When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, they will never suffer a concussion or brain damage.

- No-one ever involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock.

- Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba diving.

- You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.

- Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds - unless it's the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.

- Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at the precise moment that it is aired.

Sunday, January 18, 2009

See? It could be worse....

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed nicely made up and everything neat and tidy.

Then he saw an envelope propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, "Dad". With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands:

Dear Dad,

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriendbecause I wanted to avoid a scene with you and Mom.

I've been finding real passion with Joan and she is so nice. I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercings, tattoos, her tight motorcycle clothes and because she is so much older than I am but it's not only the passion, Dad, she's pregnant.

Joan says that we are going to be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood, enough for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.

Joan has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it and trading it with the other people in the commune for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.

In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Joan can get better; she sure deserves it!

Don't worry Dad, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your grandchildren.

Your son, Chad

P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the report card that's in my desk drawer.

I love you! Call when it is safe for me to come home!

Friday, January 16, 2009

This is pretty cool...

So I found this drifting across the surface of the web... not only is it quite inventive, but it involves one of the greatest video game themes ever created...

I give you: Acappella Zelda!!!

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

Damn Lazy People!

Ok, first, I will be the first to admit that I am a lazy person....

I take the escalator or elevator instead of the stairs, I don't work out, I've trained my son to bring me my soda and snacks, and I get out of breath lifting the TV remote (Hey, that thing is heavy!!!)

However, I cannot stand lazy people who inflict their laziness on others!

Today, I was taking my son home after cooking class, (training him to cook for me too), and living in NYC, we had to take the subway home. Now, this involves the use of 3 elevators to get from the street level to the train platform. In this case, my using the elevator is not laziness, it was from necessity. My son had fallen asleep in the stroller, and I was not lugging 50 lbs of child and stroller up and down all those stairs...

I've noticed that there are certain people in NYC who don't care about anything but themselves. Today, at all 3 elevators, I had to wait and let it go down and then back up. Why? Because there was a pile of stupid, fat, lazy people who wouldn't step off the elevator to let someone with a legit need for it to get on. At the 2nd elevator, I wasn't the only left standing there, there was someone in a wheelchair...

I mean seriously... I saw healthy people in their 20's in there, I saw fat 300 lbs teenagers in there (yes, they may need the elevator, but maybe, just maybe, if they took the stairs, they wouldn't be so fat... that sack of Dunkin' Donuts ain't helping either), basically, people who were more than capable of walking down 1 flight of stairs but couldn't be bothered...

So I've taken to telling my son, in a very loud voice that we have to wait for the next elevator because some people are just selfish and lazy. Do I expect to get punched out? Maybe, but the lawsuit will heal those wounds.... :)

Fucking lazy people!

Monday, January 12, 2009

So Long, Farwell... Don't ever come back!

The video speaks for itself....

Normally I would avoid Cuteness..

But this is too funny....

The only thing that could make it funnier is if the Momma Panda soiled herself right after it happened...

Saturday, January 10, 2009

Word of the Day

fastidious \fa-STID-ee-uhs\, adjective:

hard to please; extremely refined or critical

c 1440, "full of pride," from Latin fastidiosus "disdainful, squeamish, exacting," from fastidium "loathing," most likely from fastu-taidiom, a compound of fastus "contempt, arrogance" and t├Ždium "aversion, disgust." The meaning "squeamish, over-nice" emerged in England by 1612.

Oh Skittles, What Have You Done?

I was in the store the other day when I came over all peckish and sorts... I needed a snack, and while I wanted something full of chocolatey goodness, I couldn't get excited by the standard fare of candy bars and M&M's...

Then the Skittles caught my eye. Chocolate Skittles! I had seen them before, but never tried them. I decided now was the time to go adventuring...


If you haven't seen them, "Chocolate" Skittles offer the following flavors:

Chocolate Caramel
Chocolate Pudding
Brownie Batter
Vanilla (?!?)

I won't go into details of each one... mainly because none of them tasted remotely like what they were supposed to, and the only one that tasted anything like chocolate was the Vanilla!!!

There seemed to be somewhat of a weird fruity undertone to the whole experience, which makes sense given that the only flavors that Skittles has known until now have been fruit based. So needless to say, if you've got a hunkering for a taste of chocolate, please, do yourself a favor, and stick with what you know...

Go get some M&M's!

Friday, January 9, 2009

This is my life....

Right now my 2 year old son is running around the kitchen with no pants on, and wearing his momma's high heeled leather boots...

Ahhh, to be a father...

Jeff Goldblum has been drinking....

Not that you can really tell the difference, given the tone and cadence of his regular voice. However, some enterprising folks took a bunch of the old Apple I-Mac (God, remember those?) commercials that he did, and proceeded to slow down his vocals until he was slurring all over the place...

I think my personal favorite is the Peach Pie interview from the Conan show... too funny!

Here's one of the videos, and you can click here to watch "Drunk Jeff Goldblum"!

Thursday, January 8, 2009

Don't drop the soap!!!

So I ran across this article on the web, and I have to say, I love judges who deviate from the norm and actually try to scare the shit out defendants...

Basically, a judge down in Australia was trying to get a drag racing loving kid to stop speeding.... some of the gems he offered as wisdom to this young man:

"You'll find big, ugly, hairy strong men (in jail) who've got faces only a mother could love that will pay a lot of attention to you -- and your anatomy,"

"shower with the gorillas in the mist down at Long Bay jail"

You can read the entire article HERE.

The Mets should charge Bor-ass admission into Citi.

The Mets brain-trust met with Uber-agent Scott Boras yesterday, apparently to talk about "all of his clients"... Derek Lowe, Oliver Perez, and yes, even Manny Ramirez....

I can't stand this guy Boras... he is almost single-handedly responsible for why it's damn near impossible to take your family to a ballgame without taking out a 2nd mortgage on your house. That being said, he certainly does well by his clients, so I guess that makes him good at his job. Yay for him and his 10% cut... no one ever talks about it, but his personal worth must be well north of $100 Mil...

Think about it; with A-Rod alone, he's put together 2 $200 million plus contracts. Assuming a pure 10%, that's $40 mil right there. I'm sure it's not as simple as that, but still.... he's not hurting for cash...

Mr. Boras (I keep wanting to call him Borat) has developed a technique, if you will, of letting teams make an offer, and then making them sit there while he waits to see what else comes up. He pulls this especially when he gets an offer he doesn't like. You see, he and Derek Lowe somehow think that as a starting pitcher, he is now worth a 5-6 year long deal in the area of $90-100 mil. That's Barry Zito money... and it would be a Barry Zito type of deal... take a decent, not great, but decent pitcher, get him all the money in the world, and sit back and watch that player not give a shit about his job anymore. Just look at what happened with Barry Zito.

The Mets offered a 3 year deal for abut $36 mil. Which is a perfect offer, one that Lowe should be pouncing on. 

At best, Lowe is a "decent" pitcher that might get them 15 wins. More likely scenario is that it is less than 15. If you look at the numbers, they tell a tale of, well, a 35 year old pitcher. Over the past 5 years, he's tallied a 68-60 record, with about (rough calculation) a 3.70 ERA, a K/9 of about 5.50-6. He's only won more than 15 games once in the past 5 years, and that was with a lofty total of 16 wins. 

Just because he is the best of what's left doesn't make him worth the money that Boras is trying to sucker teams into offering... 

As for the others?  Oliver Perez should show a little appreciation that the Mets coached him  through his challenges getting past the 6th inning without imploding. I guess he can go elsewhere, pay Bor-ass his cut, fall apart (again), and then end his career rich but worthless. I for one cannot wait to see him leave...

Manny? The Mets have enough issues keeping focused. I love Manny. He definitely entertains. But you'll have Manny being Manny in NY, so you know he's gonna feel like he has to give you the "Superstar, Super-sized" version of Manny, while the Mets are being the Mets, which means they will be torturing their fans over the course of the season (especially in September, but we will not speak of that now). Put those 2 things together, and a giant sinkhole will open up beneath the new "Shea" stadium (I will never call it "Citi" Field)  He is a head case diva that the Mets can't afford if they are serious. 

Please, Manny, Mr. Boras, I beg of you.... go talk to the Phillies....

Tuesday, January 6, 2009

Word of the Day

beleaguer \bi-LEE-ger\, verb:

1. to surround with troops; besiege
2. to surround or beset by 

1589, from Dutch belegeren "to besiege," from be- "around" + legeren "to camp."

Dictionary.com Entry and Pronunciation for beleaguer

Saturday, January 3, 2009

A funny for you....

A man was driving down the road one rainy day when his car suddenly broke down in front of a small monastery. To escape the rain he walked up to the monastery and knocked on the door.

The head monk answers the door and says "Ah, hello. How may I help you?"

"Um, hello." the man replies, "My car broke down and I was wondering if you had a phone or something for me to call for help."

"Well," the head monk says, "We do not have any phones here, however, we can send one of our monks to the city and get you help. In the meantime, you are allowed to stay here in the monastery."

The man thanked the head monk and went inside. The other monks graciously accepted him as one of their own. They fed him, proivded him with a bath, and gave him his own little bed. Then, later that night, the man heard a noise. A sound unlike anything he had ever heard before. He stayed up all night, tossing and turning, trying to think of what it could be.

The next morning, he walked up to the head monk and said "Hello, I was wondering if I could ask you a question..."

"Yes," the head monk said, "what is it you would like to know?"

"well, you see," the man said, "Yesterday I heard a strange noise... and I was wondering if you knew what it was..."

"Oh, I'm sorry," the head monk said in reply "I can not tell you for you are not a monk."

"Well, then how do I become a monk?" The man said, desperate to find out what the beautiful noise was.

"There is a test you must take." the head monk answered, "You must go all around the world and count all the blades of grass, and all the grains of sand, then come back here."

The man spent many years traveling the world, seeking out the answer to the monks test of faith, endurance, and bravery. The yearning to find out the noise pushing him forward.

Finally, ten years later, the man returned to the monastery. The head monk greeted him, and led him to a small room, filled with other monks. "Now," the head monk said, "How many blades of grass, and grains of sand are there?"

The man replied "By design, the world is in a state of perpetual change. Only God knows what you ask. All a man can know is himself, and only then if he is honest and reflective and willing to strip away self deception."

The monks shouted with glee. They congratulated him, they gave him gifts, and then the head monk handed him a small golden key.

"Take this." he said, "There is a small golden door on the other side of the monastery... This is the key to that door..."

The man went and unlocked the door. Behind it was a silver door, with a silver key in it. Behind that door was a ruby door, and behind that, a diamond door. The man stepped through many doors. Through platinum, sapphire, iron, steel, and finally, he came to a plain, wooden door, with a plain wooden key.

He turned the key, and upon opening the door, he heard the noise again... "How beautiful..." he thought to himself. He then thrust the door open and saw what it was that had made the noise. He falls to his knees in awe of what it was that had produced the amazing, seductive sound...











... But, of course, I can not tell you what it was for you are not a monk.

Pretty in Pink

I would like to introduce you all to the ultimate women's tool....

In one fell swoop, it is now possible for a woman to kick her man out of the house, hang the damn shutters herself, and then, when she breaks a nail doing it, she can just swap out her phillips head bit for her manicure bit!!!

And, later that night, since she kicked the man out of the house, you just know that there's a "special friend" bit that comes with this item.... (optional, $19.99)

3.6v Screwdriver Kit With Manicure Tool, Pink

Special Country

Many believed this day would never come, but in a few short days, an African American man will move from his private residence into a much larger and infinitely more expensive one owned not by him but by the taxpayers. 

A vast lawn, a perimeter fence and many well trained security specialists will insulate him from the rest of us but the mere fact that this man will be residing in this house should make us all stop and count our blessings - because it proves that we live in a nation where anything is possible. 

Today, I  thank the Lord above that I am an American and that I live in a nation where wrongs are righted, where justice matters and where truly anything is possible.

Friday, January 2, 2009

I already miss 2008...

Already nostalgic for the best 2008 had to offer?

Then come find the list of all lists... seriously, this thing must have about 500 different "Best/Worst/Whatever" lists covering not only 2008, but they have an archive going all the way back to 2001...

Check it HERE

What's in a name?

Ever wondered  what would happen if you looked at your name from the side? Well now you can, and it may reveal a deeper "side" of yourself than you thought!

The author also has a neat "turn your name into a weapon" generator...

I'm a bazooka, attalk lvl. 20! So don't screw with me! What did you come out as?

Breaking News!

GOP members scurry out of Washington D.C. like cockroaches escaping a house that's about to be fumigated!!!

Story HERE