Saturday, February 28, 2009

Big move! Well, we are

Big move!
Well, we are already halfway to our destination of Greenville, SC.
So far so good and hope the rain goes away.

Monday, February 23, 2009

Ooops, My Bad

Hey all,

So I'm writing to apologize for not writing. I'm in the middle of packing up for our big move down South, and things are just insane right now... 3 days to go!

So, with my apologies, hope this brings a smile to you, and hopefully a little chuckle...

1. If you eat something and no one sees you eat it, it has no calories.

2. If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, the calories in the candy bar are canceled out by the diet soda.

3. When you eat with someone else, calories don't count if you do not eat more than they do.

4. Food used for medicinal purposes NEVER counts, such as hot chocolate ,brandy, toast and Sara Lee Cheesecake.

5. If you fatten up everyone else around you, then you look thinner.

6. Movie related foods do not have additional calories because they are part of the entertainment package and not part of one's personal fuel. Examples: Milk Duds, Buttered Popcorn, Junior Mints, Red Hots and TootsieRolls.

7. Cookie pieces contain no calories. The process of breaking causes calorie leakage.

8. Things licked off knives and spoons have no calories if you are in the process of preparing something.

9. Foods that have the same color have the same number of calories. Examples are: Spinach & Pistachio Ice Cream; Mushrooms and Mashed Potatoes.

10. Chocolate is a universal color and may be substituted for any other food color.

11. Anything consumed while standing has no calories. This is due to gravity and the density of the caloric mass.

12. Anything consumed from someone else's plate has no calories since the calories rightfully belong to the other person and will cling to his/her plate. (We all know how calories like to cling!)


Monday, February 16, 2009

St. Christopher

Ok, time for me to weigh in on the whole Chris Brown vs. Rihanna thing....

I DON"T CARE!!! Whatever... enough... should this be covered by the media? Yes, but not to the degree it has been... Don't you think there's more than enough going on right now that we need to talk about than these 2 idiots?

Look, I'm not getting into who did what and who started it or any of that... all I'm saying is that when you have a 19 year boy who can rent a Lamborghini and has a private security team following him... white, black, or purple with green polka-dots and some yellow trim, you're gonna have trouble...

In the meantime, please checkout the article below by one of my new favorite bloggers, April Winchell...

St. Christopher

A Man's First Car...

Hello all!

So big news here... I bought my first car Saturday!!!!

It's a beautiful silver '07 Prius, and so far I've put on about 140 miles. Everything they say about the Prius is true...

In those 140 miles, my fuel consumption has been... wait for it...

56.8 Miles Per Gallon!!!!!

I mean seriously?!? Even I wasn't expecting that!!! Oh, this is gonna be fun!

Thursday, February 12, 2009

A Funny Ha Ha...

Ok, I've seen this one before, so you probably have anyway, but it's been awhile, and it's funny enough to earn a re-visit:


A lesson on how consultants can make a difference in an organization.

   Last week, we took some friends to a new restaurant, 'Steve's Place,' and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket.

It seemed a little strange. When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I observed that he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket.

Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets. When the waiter came back to serve our soup I inquired, 'Why the spoon?'

'Well, 'he explained, 'the restaurant's owner hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all of our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently  dropped utensil.. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour.

If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift.'

As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he replaced it with his spare. 'I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now.' I was impressed.

I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly.

Looking around, I saw that all of the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So, before he walked off, I asked the waiter, 'Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?'

'Oh, certainly!' Then he lowered his voice. 'Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also learned that we can save time in the restroom.

By tying this string to the tip of our you-know-what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39%.

I asked quietly, 'After you get it out, how do you put it back?'

'Well,' he whispered, 'I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon.'

If anyone is interested....

I'm starting a 3 sport fantasy league with my buddy, The Future David Garcia

It will include Baseball, Football, and Basketball, and will be a keeper league. If you'd like to join, please shoot me an email, and I'll get back to you.

Thursday, February 5, 2009

New York Sucks!

So, I realize that it's been awhile since I've posted... part of that is just laziness on my part, but I've also been out of town. 

I took a little trip down to the Greenville area of South Carolina. Wow is it beautiful down there... and the people are ridiculously friendly. So I spent a few days converting myself from a rude NY'er who was used to taking the subway or walking to get wherever to a nice, friendly person who had to drive everywhere.

I can't stress how nice it is down there. The transformation took me about 4 hours. You can't help but be nice to people down there. It's so nice, that I signed the papers on an apartment, and will be moving with my family there in a about 3 weeks. 

First of all... it's really cheap to live down there. Given the economy right now, that's a very good thing. Secondly, again, the nice-ness of everyone.

So anyway, I returned home to New York via Newark Airport.... still infused with that southern hospitality, I came off the plane saying goodnight to people, and whatever, just being a nice person, lest I allow NY to come back and devour what glimmer of a soul I had found down there.

Too late...

As I got off the plane, I was somewhat thirsty, so I stopped at a water fountain, and then stopped to tie my shoes, which I had loosened during the flight (trust me, this is all relevant). 

Those 2 simple actions took me no longer than 60-70 seconds combined. I then walk to the Airtrain (A monorail that circles the airport, and hooks up with parking lots and the rail line into NY). As I came into the terminal, I see that I just missed one by about 10 seconds... Crap. But, no matter, I'm happy, and there will always be another train. In 4 minutes according to the friendly glow of the status monitor. So I wait my 4 minutes and get on the next train in the 1st car. 

*Side Note: These trains are computer controlled and don't have human drivers. So when you get in the 1st car, you have a huge window that looks like the cockpit to a fighter jet...*

Now in this 1st car is a classic central casting version of "The Powerful Businessman". Black suit, red toned tie, $1000 winter overcoat, $500 briefcase, and a watch that looks like It should cost more than what I'm paying for my new car (that's a another story, coming soon).

He's on his cell phone, and since we're alone in the car, I can't help but hear him yapping about how so and so called him and was "Shaking in his boots" thinking that they were about to get laid off, and then this other guy said the same thing, and so on... he went through about 7 guys who were terrified of their future, and this douchebag is laughing about it because he knows that he's safe and secure. 

So, as I listen to this guy, and marvel at his douchebaggery, we pull into the Rail Link station. He gets off his phone, and is looking out the window. Since we're in the front car, I can see that there is  a train to NY already in the station, and that there is no way that I will make it in time. So I kind of laugh to myself (at which point he glances at me with a funny look on his face), and then I say out loud, "See? Stop to get a drink of water, and tie your damn shoes, and you miss an airtrain, which means I now missed this train to NY."

I look over at this guy, and he is suddenly pressed into the corner of the car, with his bag clutched to his chest, looking at me like I just told him that I wanted to repeatedly violate him anally and deposit my alien spawn into him.... if it weren't so sad, it'd be funny. Aw hell, screw it.. it was funny as hell!

He managed to croak out an "Excuse me?" In a tone that simultaneously conveyed fear that I was actually talking to him and contempt that I, a member of the "peasant" class, had dared try to engage him in conversation. It was only 2 words, but the fact that he got those 2 messages across was quite impressive.

So I smiled, and repeated myself, and he looked out the window to see the NY bound train leaving, and he just sort of grunted an acknowledgement. At that moment the car doors opened, and he bolted, and I mean Carl Lewis bolted out of there, and went flying down the steps to the train platform... where he was of course waiting for the train that would take him back to his million dollar home in the burbs of NJ.

Ahhh... welcome back to NY... that whole encounter just sucked about 80% of the good feelings I had at that point... and I still had NJ transit, Penn Station, and the NYC subway laying ahead of me... 

I can't wait to get out of here.