Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Mmmmm... Deep Fried Girl Scouts....umm, cookies?

I'm back!!!

At least until I get so busy I can't post again... Sorry y'all...

So here I am, a newly transplanted NY'er living now in the deep(ish) South... I've heard all the horror stories about the trailer parks, and the trash that lives there, the rednecks, the hicks and those folks who will try to deep fry anything, including frying nothing but more fat...

So I assumed that these were all stories, or at least that most were, and that it couldn't be that bad down here, which it isn't. It's lovely here, and the people are just about as friendly as can be (God, I'm starting to sound like them already). 

However, to every stereotype there is a kernel of truth...

In my short time here, I've met and talked with the trailer trash, the hicks, the rednecks, and so on. They do exist... oh lardy do they exist! But this so far is my favorite encounter...

It was girl scout cookie time here in Greenville, and they were out in force, covering both entrances to the local Wal-Mart, in front of the Bi-Lo's, the Home Depots, anywhere there was going to be a decent amount of foot traffic... they were out there for about a week, and then, *POOF!* They just disappeared. Oh well... buh bye tasty cookies, see ya next year.

2 nights after the vanishing act, I'm coming out of the Wal-Mart when this woman pulls her car up next to me and rolls down her window. So I lean down, and in the car I see what had to be 450 lbs of sweaty, meaty, multiple fat rolls all spilling over the center console so I couldn't see the stick shift of woman. She asked me (in a most friendly manner) if any of the girl scouts were set up inside the store. I replied that I hadn't seen any, and that they probably weren't allowed to sell inside the store itself. She thanked me, and rolled up her window. 

Now I hadn't started walking because I figured that she was about to pull away. What happened next scared the hell out of me, and then sent me running to laugh my ass off in private.

Upon learning that the banishment of her beloved cookies was total and complete, this woman let out a mighty bellow of "FUCK!!!" and starts slamming her hands against the steering wheel while chanting at the top of her voice "damn, damn, damn, damn, damn..." 

That was too much for me and I had to get out of there. So, this, I felt I had to share, and I hope to bring you more soon!

Y'all come back now, ya hear?

Saturday, March 14, 2009

Ok, so it's been a while...

Hi everyone (if anyone is left)...

So I know it's been awhile since I posted, but I've been busy with the big move and getting all settled here in South Carolina. I already have some great stories, and I'll try to get back to a more regular posting schedule. 

In the meantime, I give you this (slightly gross, but somehting in here will bring a chuckle):

"Ways to annoy your bathroom neighbor"

1. Stick your palm open under the stall wall and ask your neighbor, "May I borrow a highlighter?"

2. "Uh-oh, I knew I shouldn't put my lips on that."

3. Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise.

4. "Hmmm, I've never seen that color before."

5. "Damn, this water is cold."

6. Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantaloupe into the toilet bowl from a high place and sigh relaxingly.

7. "Now how did that get there?"

8. "Hummus. Reminds me of hummus."

9. Fill up a large flask with Mountain Dew. Squirt it erratically under the stall walls of your neighbors while yelling,"Whoa! Easy boy!!"

10. " Interesting....more sinkers than floaters"

11. Using a small squeeze tube, spread peanut butter on a wad of toilet paper and drop under the stall wall of your neighbor. Then say, "Whoops, could you kick that back over here, please?"

12. "C'mon Mr. Happy! Don't fall asleep on me!!"

13. "Boy, that sure looks like a maggot"

14. "Damn, I knew that drain hole was a little too small. Now what am I gonna do?"

15. Play a well-known drum cadence over and over again on your butt cheeks.

16. Before you unroll toilet paper, conspicuously lay down your "Cross-Dressers Anonymous"newsletter on the floor visible to the adjacent stall.

17. Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall and adjust it so you can see your neighbor and say, "Peek-a-boo!"

18. Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sing "Born Free."

Sunday, March 1, 2009

Mmmm.... Econo Lodge! Well, slept

Mmmm.... Econo Lodge!

Well, slept here in lovely Richmond, VA. All I know is that there were hookers galore here. Yay hos!